Hey You,
I'm listening to John Legend's 'This Time' again this morning. I've listened to it every day for two months. It helps me release the sadness I feel from time to time. It soothes my rage. It calms my upset. I can't even believe I still have these feelings five months after the fact.
See this has been an emotionally draining season for me; you know I thank you for that. It's never easy ending anything with a man that you'd hoped to plan forever with. A man that you're not just in love with, but emotionally and spiritually connected to. A man you just knew was created for you — by divine confirmation. I don't know if you've ever experienced pain like that but I hope you never do.
I hated you when it happened. I thought you were too damn old to be unsure. To not have a plan. To still be going back and forth. I expected a lot out of you because of your age, because of the stage I felt you should have been in your life. Because of the growth I thought you should have had from the past long-term relationships you've had with other women you probably left broken. And, I was too damn faithful to God — even when I didn't want this relationship to work because you and I were too different and it was too hard for me to even want to continue — to be left on the floor of my bathroom crying myself to sleep.
I played the song again and cried. Unsure of how someone who was so adamant about protecting me — mind, body, and spirit — could be the one to hurt me the most. It's a weird complex; to know you cared, but still experience a heartbreak I didn't even want to imagine would happen. Not now. Not after all we gave; not after all the times we prayed.
I remember that evening like it was yesterday. I remember the revelation I had earlier that day, that the words you spoke you'd speak. I seen it all play out before it even happened; I just didn't think it would actually happen.
So John Legend's 'This Time' will be on replay until I'm fully healed. So I don't let hate fester. So I don't let the anger consume me. So I don't mistake my sadness, and confusion, and doubt, for anything other than what it is.
I listen to this song with hopes that one day you'd be like John. Praying that one day you'd realize what God was really trying to say — what He was really trying to do. Wondering if you'd be led right back like I know He planned. I wrestle with myself on whether or not I'd actually take you back; whether we'd have a future like the one we started crafting in our heads. Whether the story would end like John's or if we'd have an ending of our own.
Every time I hear this song and envision whatever may come of our future, I'm reminded that this love was real. That it still is real, and that there's no amount of anger, pain, or heartbreak that could change that. I know now, that just because it's over doesn't mean the love is too. That was a lesson I had to learn myself. It took a lot of compassion for your upbringing and the way you digest and resolve problems for me to recognize that. It took a lot of journeying to understand that just because a relationship ends, doesn't mean the love does too. It took a lot out of me to stop avoiding the reality that the love is still there. That the reason I'm still hurting isn't because I hate you, but because I still love you. It took five months for me to realize that real love can't be erased as easy as movies and breakup songs want us to believe; that the effects of it are long lasting. That real love is everlasting.
Love is still love. No matter how hard it hurts, how much it aches, or how painfully it stings, it will always be love. I've learned that I cannot suppress it for the sake of getting better. I cannot hide its impact in my life and who it's helped me become. Love has transformed me from the inside out. Just because it escaped me, doesn't mean it never existed. It doesn't mean it's not still existing.
And for that I'm grateful. For the lessons from this love and the realization of its forever, I'm grateful. For the love itself and the ways in which it lit up my life, I'm grateful. And no matter how much it hurts, I'd do it over again with you. Because I love you with all that I had, and I probably always will.
Sincerely,
Z.
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Honoring the collective voice of womanhood, the Lessons From Love series was created to provide a community of support for women currently in love, or healing from love. The series will use personal narratives + testimonies to empower women to make effective dating decisions and to pursue the love they rightly deserve.
If you're interested in being a last minute contributor, submit your 700-1000 word piece to z@dearqueens.com. Please include your name, website (if applicable), and brief bio.
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