DEAR QUEENS: April 2018

Silencing Social Media

4/25/2018

The bondage of social media has become increasingly detrimental to our mental health. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Vine, Snapchat - and everything else those 'young folk' use - have been ushering people into debt, self-loathing, and depression. There have been countless articles about such cases: social media users going into debt to appeal to their followers; users who've allowed the pressures of social media (and the very present reality of social media bullying) to drive them to depression and/or suicide. As great of a tool as social media can be for brands, businesses, and artists, it can tear us apart individually.

Even if the role social media has played in our lives aren't as drastic as the above, we all can admit, that since its inception, social media has played a role in our pursuit of validation, our goal-setting, and quite possibly, our self-destruction.

We're constantly exposed to people's portrayals of success (however accurate or inaccurate they may be) and compare ourselves to those we see. We create #RelationshipGoals, #BodyGoals, #CareerGoals, #FriendshipGoals, and #FoodGoals based on the messages other people are posting. We want to be like them even if we don't know them - and when we fall short, we consider ourselves failures. We begin to assess ourselves with a lens that isn't ours, based on the lives other people live.

We consume this content for hours each day and wonder why, when we log out, we're unfulfilled, invalidated, and insecure. We spend more time observing other people's lives than we do living our own. This is bondage. We are directly controlled by the influences of social media. Our decisions, actions, and thoughts are dictated by what we see on these platforms, and we've become so reliant on them that it's become hard to break free. Social media, in many ways, has become an addiction - both for the people pursuing a life of perfection, and the ones falsely portraying that life.

Don't fret, though. This post is specifically for you. Here are a few habits to help you break bondage, and silence social media...for good.

Be gracious with the unfollows. So often people think you should only unfollow people you don't like, or who don't serve a purpose. This couldn't be any more untrue. I've had to unfollow many people who do serve a purpose, but who I've spent much time comparing myself (or my brand) to. People who, every time they appear on my timeline, I'd feel insecure or lose confidence. People who, every time they appeared, I'd say something bad about in an attempt to uplift myself. Those habits aren't rooted in anything healthy, and when I noticed these thoughts I knew I had to get them (the thoughts and the people) out of there. Not because I didn't like the people I was unfollowing - most of them had incredible hearts and posted wonderful (authentic) content - but because I was treading the thin line between admiration and hater-ation (and we can't have none of that in this dancery).

The truth is, any person, place, or thing, that makes you feel discontent with your present place - consciously or subconsciously - deserves to be unfollowed. Any person, place, or thing, that heightens your insecurity deserves to be unfollowed. It's not out of hate for them, but out of love for yourself. The unfollow doesn't have to be forever, but it does have to be for now.

Take breaks when necessary. There is such a thing as social media burnout, even if you use it as a platform for business (there's a reason automated systems were introduced). Too much of anything can be bad, so it's important to give yourself a break from social media. Whether it's one day per week, or one month per year, taking a break gives you time to recenter yourself and actually experience some of the things you post about. It gives you a lengthier duration of time to reflect, reset, and refocus your energies and existence. Social media can be 'noisy', so giving yourself a break from that helps provide mental clarity and the silence you need to regroup.

Taking a break also sets you free from the strongholds of social media. It gives you time to breathe, and reduces the opportunities you have to compare yourself to someone else.

Monitor your use. This is critical to avoid the over consumption of people's social media fallacies, and their destructive effects. Instead of spending more than half your day on social media, dedicate only certain hours to it. This allows you to get on for the reasons you need, and nothing too additional. Monitoring your use forces you to be intentional about your use during those moments. Not having 5 hours a day to surf social media statuses, helps you focus more on what you're actually using it for. If it's for engagement, you better engage with the people you need to in the time allotted. If it's to post information, well, get to it! This time constraint helps you stay focused on the matters at hand, rather than the endless abyss of people's lives.

Don't engage if it's not authentic. Social media metrics have changed so much over the years, it's hard to tell what will get you seen and what won't. Currently, many of the metrics are based on engagement. Posting a million times a day will no longer get you to the top of people's feeds, but engagement will. Social media sites are now providing its users with the things they want to see, based on the posts and accounts they engage with the most. (And by the time you read this, this metric may also change). This means, you must engage with your audience.

This isn't particularly a bad thing, but for some it means forcing dialogue. My advice: don't force dialogue. If you find engaging is more of a task than a natural response, don't do it. No one on social media - not even social media itself - can make you do anything. Especially not when your mental health is on the line. Engage with the people you want to engage with, not out of necessity, but out of desire. Start conversations with the people you want to start conversations with. Like and retweet the things you want to. Stop placing an unfair burden on yourself by feeling like you have to respond to everything, or be friends with everyone. Your social media is just that, yours. Don't feel obligated to use it in the way the metrics are mandating, especially not if it takes you from who you are at your core. Social media is not worth selling your soul for. Continue to be authentic, with both your engagement and what you share, and people will find you.

Stop the idolatry. #RelationshipGoals. #BlackWomanGoals. #HairGoals. Sure, goals are great to have, but when our goal is to emulate the people we see on social media, we quickly find ourselves in the land of idolatry. If there are social media lives you're obsessed with, stop obsessing over them. I know, it seems like a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised how much time you spend fixating over that one person's post, or searching for their page because you don't follow them but want to keep tabs anyway. People only post on social media what they want others to see. When we idolize what they show us we miss a huge part of what's really happening when the phone's turned off. Stop allowing what people post to dictate the satisfaction in your own life. Stop comparing what they show you, to what you actually have.

Start by reducing your search from 5 times per day, to 2. Then from 2 to 1. Then, none. Block them (if you must) so that you're no longer able to see their posts. Do something that will help you quit the bad habit of searching and indulging in their lives.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about freedom and how it manifests. I've recognized that one of my most enslaving habits is my use of social media; it may be yours too. If freedom is liberation from all bondage, then addressing social media bondage must be included to ultimately free yourself.

You may not feel like you're bound by your social media usage, but I urge you to truly assess your use. Do you check your account every 5 minutes because you're afraid you may have missed something? Do you compare your photos to others? Do you wonder if your life seems exciting enough, or do things to make it more exciting? All these behaviors are toxic. Living for the approval of others can be damaging. And publishing your life, every second of ever day, can certainly threaten your freedom. It's time to lose those chains.

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life

Lessons from Yoga

4/17/2018

Last week I tried something completely new in honor of my girl’s birthday: hot yoga. Now, I’ve done yoga a few times before, in the comfort of my living room, while using the Yoga App on my 4G Apple TV. Entering the studio, I was no expert but I was certainly no stranger to yoga poses, nor the 90+ degree heat - I take biweekly trips to the sauna because I’m a summer baby, and heat is life. But, I’d be lying if I said my inexperience didn’t lend to some nervousness walking in.

As we entered the studio I was delighted by its temperature and the encouraging presence of the instructor. It wasn’t as stuffy as I had originally thought it would be; in fact, the heat was refreshing. I grabbed a mat, some blocks that I never used before, and a cushion to alleviate some of the anticipated pain from my knees being on the hard floor; It was do or die at this point.

We began with warming up using easier poses, and quickly snuck off into the land of intermediate yoga. I could’ve sworn this was a beginner’s class. About 20 minutes in I was dripping in sweat and had to put my glasses to the side because they were slipping off. At certain points in the session, Instructor Josh spoke inspiration ever so softly while walking around the room making sure our form was right. One of his themes for the night was that we are already equipped with exactly what we need for where we are in life.

This is an idea that I firmly stand on, and even wrote about (you can read it here). Josh spent a lot of time reminding us that the expertise of those in the room won’t be ours, and that’s okay. That, we ought to settle in contentment for exactly where we are. That we ought not complain or be dissatisfied with our place in life, but rejoice that we are constantly growing and will one day be where we hope to be. This was powerful as I looked around the room at the more experienced yogis. It was motivation for me through the various breaks I had to take when the poses became too challenging, or my hands started slipping off the mat. I held onto those nuggets and made it through the hour-and-a-half-long hot yoga class that felt more like 3 hours.

As the instructor turned the lights completely off and left us with his final words, I couldn’t help but to feel more accomplished than I ever had. “You have all you need,” he said. I let that rest in my spirit for the rest of the night.

I was so proud of having made it through, despite the breaks I had to take or the modifications to the moves. I was encouraged by having pushed my body in ways I never before had to. I was empowered by actually conquering the workout — on my own terms. It was a beautiful feeling, and there were beautiful lessons that came as I reflected at the end of that session.

1. I can get through anything. I know we say it to ourselves all the time, but how often do we really feel it? In that moment, I felt it. I walked in to that room confident, and twenty minutes in that confidence faded. However, that didn’t stop me from actually trying to make it through. In fact, my exhaustion/weakness midway, made me want to push myself harder. I was determined to make it through, and I did all that I could to do so. If we navigate our everyday lives with this same motivation we could achieve so much. If we recognize that everything is a process, then we allow ourselves the grace, and the patience, to accomplish what we set out to — on our own terms. We truly can get through anything we commit to, and there’s tons of beauty in pushing through to that desired end.

2. I can get back up. It doesn’t matter how often we fall, we can get back up just as many times. It doesn’t matter how often we need to modify our route, or slow down a little, as long as we get back on the path. I had to adjust myself and take a few breaks during that session, but when I felt like I could tackle it again, I got back to it. I didn’t care what anyone thought of me stopping, and I didn’t care what anyone else could do - I simply stayed true to my own ability; my own process. We are all well on a long journey toward destiny, and we will all get there as long as we keep getting up. The road to success isn’t about getting there with no mistakes, it’s about getting there — period. So get up, and get there.

3. It will get harder before it gets easier. I hadn’t expected that during class. I was certain the the more poses I master, the easier the next pose would be. I thought that with every inch my body stretched, my body would easily transition to the next one. I was fooled. The more the class continued, the more exhausted I became. I grew frustrated that the session wasn’t over. I was tired of my hands slipping from the sweat, and drained from the way I’d been contorting my body for the last hour. I wasn't sure when the class would be over, but I knew I was ready for it to end. That seems to be a steady theme in life. The closer we get to the end of our tunnel, the darker it becomes. The closer we get to victory, the tougher the battle gets. This was a physical manifestation of that, and it’s no coincidence. Every bit of your journey toward triumph has that final moment of pain, or exhaustion, or temporary feeling of defeat. Before you apply for the job of your dreams, you may go through hardship in your current job. Before you free yourself from relational bondage, you may experience drama in that relationship. Before you’re healed, you’ll experience the very draining process of shedding your layers. Nothing good comes without a trial before it. It’s unavoidable. Just know, that when you feel like it’s darkest, you’re on the brink of breakthrough; stay the course.

4. I am victorious. I was created to win battles and conquer this life. When starting the class I knew I would finish; leaving midway through wasn’t an option. I hadn’t forfeited my $20 to quit. I hadn’t worked that hard to give up 30 minutes in, 45 minutes in, or even an hour in. The more tired and frustrated I became, the more I knew I had to finish. And when I finished, I felt more powerful than I ever had. I pushed myself and my body. I stuck with it. I was committed. I paced myself by paying attention to my body—my journey—not the one of those around me. I stayed focused on me and my end goal: making it through. And because of that, I saw it through. It would have been easy to get up and leave. To sit in the corner until the class finished. But I kept going. I kept fighting. While I’d love to encourage you and say that victory is guaranteed, it isn’t. Victory is only achieved by those with the willingness to see their journey through to the end. It’s afforded to those with the gall to keep going. It’s gifted to those who worked hard and trusted themselves enough to get through it. I did just that. As challenging as it became, I kept my eye on the prize. I stayed focused, I saw it through, and I conquered. I will remember that feeling for every battle I endure going forward. I will remember that high for as long as I’m in my right mind. I will hold onto it for every hardship that comes my way. Because I am willing to fight, and I will be victorious.

I knew yoga had healing properties, but I had no idea I’d walk away with lessons as powerful as these. I felt more motivated than ever walking out of that 90 degree room. I felt ready to take on the world and conquer every battle I foresee. But for now I’ll simply settle for another hot yoga session.

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growth

You Read the Devotionals, Now What?: Three Ways to Retain Lessons From Devotionals

4/10/2018

The internet is filled with tons of free resources. For every e-newsletter you sign up for, there’s a free e-book, resource guide, or toolkit to help you with whatever that brand caters to. Even DEAR QUEENS is coming out with a devotional-esque workbook, to help you tap into better parts of yourself. Free resources have become a marketing tactic for many; and an easy, yet effective, way to give back to others. However, what the heck are you supposed to do with all them?

Sure, these free resources, workbooks, and devotionals are amazing, until we realize that we don’t remember a thing we’ve learned from them. We could read all we want, but if we're not retaining the information, shifting our thought processes, and actually putting into place what we've read, what good are they?

I'm here to help. These three tips can help you retain and apply the lessons you receive from those great free resources.

Meditate: Before you even begin your devotional, or workbook content, pray over it. Ask God to illuminate the things that are most relevant to what you're enduring or will soon go through. Pray for the ability to interpret the lessons in the most appropriate way. There’s dire importance in praying about the information you’re about to digest before you actually digest it. It allows what's meant for you to leap off the page, and makes it meaningful to your specific situation.

Dedicate: Be committed to spending time fully digesting the content you read. It's easy to print out a resource and read it, it's another to print it with the full intent to dive in and digest it. To apply it to your life and figure out the ways in which it can make you better. Reading a passage may take you five minutes, but identifying creative ways to make it applicable and practical to your life may take longer. Dedicate yourself to finding the time and space to do that. Give yourself a half hour to an hour to spend time with what you're reading. Don't rush through it — take notes, highlight, and reread the sentences that resonate the most with you. Think critically about the passage or chapter after reading it, then read it over again.

Fixate: rest your mind on the topic at hand. After you've read it, continue to think about it. Think about it with every interaction, every situation, and every big moment that comes of your day. Find a way to recall yourself back to the reading. Write the key points on a post-it note and take it with you. Put it on the wallpaper of your phone. Screenshot and review it every hour. The key to remembering material is repetition. Fixating your mind on what you learned in your reading will help you retain the lesson. Repetition will help you remember, and remembering will help you live what you just learned. Put yourself in the position to live the content you just read. Refer back to that day's passage in all you do, so you can begin forming habits that actually create change.

Are there any other ways that have helped you retain the information you read in devotionals? How else have you been able to effectively apply the content in your life? Feel free to share in the comments below.

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growth

Where Are Your Goals? Losing Your Fear of Failure

4/04/2018

Since the year began, I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on what I want to see manifest in 2018. I've been paying particular attention to the ways in which I want to see my creative vision and my brand grow. I've been rattling off ways to measure impact and effectiveness, and have been defining new standards of success. In doing so, I was faced with a reality that I hadn't been able to confront until now: DEAR QUEENS hasn't seen much growth in a while.

Truth is, I haven't seen exponential growth recently because I haven't been working toward anything. I've been keeping my head above water, but not swimming in any particular direction. I've been coasting; surviving. And simply surviving doesn't create lasting impact or generate success—it simply allows me to stay afloat.

I spent most of Q1 reflecting on life, love, work, freedom, and healing. Much of this time was dedicated to the internal work, and in submitting myself to that process of addressing behaviors from the inside out, I wanted to identify why I've been so content with merely staying afloat. I wasn't setting clear, actional goals for myself, and I needed to know why. I pressed myself about it until I uncovered the truth: fear.

I wasn't setting goals because I was frightened by the possibility of not achieving them. I was afraid of what I'd tell myself if I didn't reach the views I wanted or the impact I worked hard for. I was worried about having to deal with the next level naysayers, and the voices in my head wondering if I was actually good enough to change people's lives. I was holding myself back because I didn't want to be slapped in the face with the feeling of failure, rejection, or inferiority.

I realized through reflection and truth, that if I wanted to go to a new level, I had to be clear about what that new level looks like. I had to identify where I wanted to end up, and what steps needed to be taken to get there. Because I accomplished so much so early—much of it by happenstance—I didn't know where to start. I stumbled into a blog award in the first year of creation, I impulsively launched a podcast and successfully pitched a radio show to a gospel radio station, and event ideas fell into my lap through alignment with God. I hadn't written any of those plans down, rather I executed them before I could talk myself out of it. But with such an incredible streak of unordinary success, accomplishing new tasks, and honestly, adding more things to my workload, I became fearful of whether or not I could accomplish anything else.

What else was left for me to do? The obvious answer was: a lot! But not having been in a position to have to carefully etch out my brand's future, I wasn't sure where to start. I wasn't sure if I was capable of "the grind" that people romanticize. I need my sleep, and I wasn't willing to risk it!

I was worried that capturing my goals would make me responsible for them. That, at some point, I'd have to hold myself accountable for the things I'd write down. And that's when my fear set in.

The goals themselves weren't what made me hesitant to commit myself to them, it was the reality of actually having to grind for them. Being strategic about how many conferences and workshops I'd have to host, how many vending opportunities I'd have to pay for, and how many e-mails I'd have to send—it was all increasing my anxiety. Up until this point, I've only had to write, speak, and digitally engage. People sought after me; but I knew, that this brand could not sustain itself for much longer operating in that way.

While, writing, promoting, podcasting, and consistently creating content is legwork enough, there was an entire grind that I wasn't tapping into. Getting my name, face, and brand in the minds of people I don't know wouldn't come naturally; it would take actual effort. I'd have to catch the attention of people who don't follow me or aren't familiar with my work. I'd have to attend events and put myself out there to establish myself as a thought leader in this space. I wasn't doing any of that, but I knew I needed to. And I needed to be very strategic about what I was working toward while doing so.

Writing my goals down would remind me of all that work, and I wasn't sure I was ready for that. That commitment was frightening me. If things didn't work out like I'd imagine, I'd feel so defeated.

How would I greet myself each day knowing the stress my to-do list would bring? How would I look myself in the mirror, knowing I crossed nothing off my list of goals? How would I face myself knowing I failed at the very thing I was so passionate about, solely because I wasn't passionate about the means of attaining the greatness I desired? And with all of those pressing questions, I was also faced with wondering how I'd feel if I let this fear and anxiety keep me from the destiny awaiting me. How would I feel about watching my dreams drift away because I was too fearful to write them down? Because I was too afraid of failure to even try?

I can't speak for everyone, but maybe that's where your hesitation comes in too. Maybe, like me, you're not only frightened by your grand goals but also frightened by the amount of work they'd require. Perhaps you're selling yourself short because you don't have the capacity to execute anything additional. Perhaps you, too, are fearful of what your goals will demand of you. Perhaps you, like me, have chosen to sustain what you've built, rather than soar into new successes, because you're unsure of what the next level will bring.

Perhaps, this is the moment you change all that.

Change requires reflection. It requires action after reflection. It requires solution-based action. And the only solution to beat fear is to do exactly what it is you're afraid of. To step up and think big, anyway. To write down those goals, anyway. To create your strategy and tactics, anyway. To host those conferences and plan those workshops, anyway. To sell shirts and books and journals from the trunk of your car, anyway. To send countless e-mails and draft hundreds of pitches, anyway. To apply for opportunities and pursue mentorship, anyway. To write, anyway. To create, anyway. To try anyway. To put one foot in front of the other, anyway. To fall down, anyway. To get back up and fall down again, anyway.

Because the only way you'll ever learn the right things to do, the right goals to set, and the right way to manifest your dreams, is to do it all, anyway. The only way you'll drop your fear is to do everything that scares you, anyway. It's more than just positive self-talk and obedience to God, it's doing the stuff. The stuff you're most fearful of. The stuff you've avoided for this long. The stuff you never wanted to confront.

Failure is inevitable.
Success doesn't happen on the first try.
People learn more from doing things wrong than they do from doing things right.

Drop your fear, and fail. Give yourself room for error, and learn to identify the lesson in every bit of it. Teach yourself to find the beauty in every missed step, and take the time to regroup when you must. But do it. All of it. Every bit of it. Because regardless of how many times you fall, or how many times you fail, you will reach success, anyway—but you must first drop your fear.