DEAR QUEENS: February 2015

Patchouli Oil or Weed?: Why Giuliana's Comment Doesn't Matter

2/26/2015

There has been quite the controversy surrounding E! Fashion Police's Giuliana Rancic's recent comments about Zendaya's faux locs at this year's Oscars. (The story can be viewed here.)

I keep replaying "I feel like she smells like patchouli oil...or weed," trying to figure out why she thought the comment would be acceptable; and why she couldn't recognize the many fouls in this comment before she parted her lips to express it.

Giulliana's distasteful comment is the very thing that's affecting the perception of beauty amongst women. We're constantly looked at and devalued by our appearance. We see countless articles of women being denied jobs, taken out of school or not dated, because we don't look how someone expects us to. We're told we're not pretty enough, our hair isn't 'good' enough, our clothes aren't expensive enough. We're told that because our views of beauty are not the 'standard', they should not be allowed. We're broken down by rules and guidelines created by society and when we're comfortable enough to reject conformity, we're insulted.

We spend too much time searching for ourselves, identifying our identities and becoming comfortable with our "look" for us to be hurt by our decision to go against the grain. We fight too hard for ourselves, our expression and our beliefs to change them all due to someone else's disagreement. We spend too much of our own money finding ways to make ourselves happy, investing in our futures and purchasing things we like, to throw them away at the first sign of disproval. The one thing that comes from Giuliana's comment, is the acknowledgement that Giuliana's comment does not matter.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, I AM COMFORTABLE IN MY SKIN AND THAT IS WHAT I CHOOSE TO WEAR.

I am okay with the kinks of my new growth occupying the nape of my neck. I am comfortable with how my blemishes add character to my otherwise subtle cheekbones. I am happy to pair my new $22 thrifted dress with my 8 Alex & Ani bracelets for a night on the town. The shoes you hate, I love, and I'll wear them to the annual cookout you invited me to just so I can see you cringe.

IF MY COMFORT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, THAT IS YOUR OWN PROBLEM.

There is no definition of beauty that anyone can impress upon me that'll make me abandon my own. I am comfortable smelling like 'patchouli oil. Or weed.' Or the vanilla and lilac scent I just lit in my queendom. I am comfortable with myself, and there's no comment that can take that away.

Find comfort in your existence. Find comfort in your beauty.

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growth

8 Tips for Maintaining Your Queendom

2/19/2015

Being a woman gets real. Between our nurturing nature forcing us to sometimes put others over ourselves; our bad hair day vs good hair day struggles; taking time to get ourselves right for our first date with the man with potential; trying to find the perfect products for make-up contouring and skin care; and us trying to regulate our emotional impulses as to not scare off anybody - be it with random tears or a random attitude - womanhood can be quite the task. And while there's no real way to control/regulate/predict/handle/manage all of the things we face, as women, below are a few things that can help as we transition from being a lady, to being a queen.

Own three black dresses
You never really know when you'll need a quick outfit for an interview, a date night or for both on the same day. It's imperative to have one professional black dress, one happy hour black dress (that can also be used for a "put on something nice, we're going out" surprise date night) and one that can be used for both - you know, when the work day has completely drained you and you need to head straight to your favorite place for a glass of wine and tapas, without being too overdressed. Things happen. Plans come up. Be ready. Always be ready.

Be modest in your attire
It's much more admirable to be liked for your character, than for your clothes (or lack thereof). We do not have to show the world what we're "working with" to get attention. While we may work hard to maintain our curves and spend money to push things up in the right places and suck things in in others, we do not have to let it all be seen. A properly fitting midi-dress is more alluring than a see through mini-dress. Never forget that.

Be humble in your achievements
As we continue to embark on our quest toward womanhood, we will begin/continue to accomplish many things. I've always been an advocate for letting my work speak more than I do. While being proud of your achievements is normal, bragging about them should not be. People will notice an amazing woman and a great worker when they see one; you do not have to throw it in anyone's face. Please, let your work speak for itself. Let your influence be all people need to see. And well, if for no other reason because The Bible says so: "For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted" Luke 14:11. Trust me, you don't want God to humble you.

Find happiness in the small things
I know I'm not the only woman who's walked by with thoughts on my mind that are on display, thanks to my facial expressions. I also know I'm not the only one who's walked by a guy who insisted that I "smile, ma". At times it may be a little annoying ("if I don't want to smile today, I don't have to!") but the truth is, our smiles really brighten rooms; and even when things aren't going our way, smiling can change our entire mood (and sometimes someone else's). Recognize that there is always something to be happy about - and if you run out of things to apply that to, reference the fact that you're still breathing. That there is enough to forge a smile during your morning stretch while you struggle to get out of bed at 6 a.m.

"Who dat, shoe dat"
That really doesn't mean anything, it just sounded catchy. As women we know how important shoes are to an outfit. A nice burgundy pump could do wonders to a professional pencil skirt and button-up look. However, we must also pay attention to how important shoes are to our feet! Ladies, heels are not the most comfortable things in the world, but please learn to walk in them. If you cannot, opt for a cute pair of flats. The cutest pair of pumps will do nothing if you're wobbling over and holding on the walls to walk by. While we may all admire what some nice heels can do for our legs, let's look at the total package. If it doesn't work, don't do it.
* BONUS TIP: find a comfortable heel. I have these 4" peep toe booties that I can wear to everything; I wore them to church one Sunday, IN THE SNOW, like they were a comfortable pair of UGGS. I also have a nice pair of black ankle strapped, 6" heels that are more than just 3-hour shoes. After a night of dancing and hanging out, I can still make it up the steps and in the house with them still on my feet. Now that's an accomplishment! Needless to say, not all heels are comfortable, but there are some that can withstand the day. If you can find those, hold on to them!

Learn yourself
Because no one should know you better than you. Why do you get mad at tardiness? Why are you so frustrated at the sight of lizards? Why do you yell when someone doesn't understand you? These are important things to dive into. We all have triggers. We all have something that changes our mood and shifts our world. We all have fears, doubts, worries, concerns, and insecurities that we must tap into, in order to get over them. Learning yourself isn't just about recognizing who you are or who you hope to be; learning yourself is the purest form of discovery. It means tapping into the part of you that you hate visiting. Learning yourself is going to the darkest places of your life and finding enough light to spread throughout it. Learn yourself so you can begin to repair whatever damage may lie beneath. Learn yourself so you can get rid of whatever issues are lurking in the crevices of your Queendom.

Be loving
Both to yourself and to others. There is nothing more Queen-like than being loving, caring and kind to those you love and those you may not be very favorable of. The most effective way of loving others, is first loving yourself. How do you expect to know how to treat others when you struggle with treating yourself right? How can you promise to love someone "flaws and all", if you have a hard time accepting your own flaws? Learn yourself then love yourself through it; and do the same for others. Find joy in all things. Love all people (even those who hurt you). Be kind to everyone.

Surround yourself with like-minded & motivational women
This may easily, be the most important aspect of growing in Christ and in the Queendom. Don't be afraid to befriend women who are a little ahead in life than you. Be it professionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, or academically, these are the women that can push you. Find fierce friends who can help you increase your own fierceness. There's no easier way to be better than to surround yourself with those who are also trying to be better (or those who are already better). You are a constant work in progress, finding people to help you continue to progress is important! Your friends do matter. Find a mentor. Find an accountability partner. Find women who are on a similar pursuit to join the journey with. It'll make all the difference.

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Christ

Need Forgiveness?

2/13/2015

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Christ

No Good Deed Goes Punished

2/09/2015

"Sometimes I feel I'm being punished by going to work every day, paying my bills on time and still managing to save a little money. God forbid the day comes when I need assistance and I'm told no because I was too responsible"

The act of doing good, can sometimes seem like it does more bad than good. Sometimes it seems like it's harder to do great things and far less rewarding. When I was a child, I never got free lunch because my mother made too much money. I was devastated! I didn't want to be the only one with a packed sandwich while everyone else ate pizza and chicken nuggets. The same theme followed me to early adulthood. I didn't qualify for a program that lowered rent to something I could afford, because my $33,000 salary was too high for my single self, despite the bills and college loans I had to pay back. Perhaps if I had a +1, I would have qualified.

The quoted comment above stemmed from a new re-entry initiative that targets recent felons. This initiative offers free housing, $30,000 a year stipend and free college education to those who have recently been released from prison.

I know what some of you are thinking. "You mean to tell me in order to get a degree for free, all I had to do was commit a crime?" It seems unfair. Not just to you, but to all those who found it necessary to highlight how unfair it is. For all those who noted how hard they had to work to make $30,000 a year and to afford housing. For all those hard workers who have falsely adopted the idea that nothing works in their favor. And for those, like many, truly believe that "no good deed goes unpunished". This one is for you.

GOD'S REWARD WILL BE FAR GREATER THAN ANYTHING EARTH CAN GIVE.

Although it may sound not as enticing as free lunch - or free education - you will be rewarded. Your hard work is not going unnoticed and you are certainly not being punished for working as hard as you do. People with less than you, need the support they're receiving. They need an extra push and a rope connection to get to the top that you're so effortlessly climbing. That's not to put anybody down, but to be frank. They need help. They need resources.

That doesn't mean you stop working. That doesn't mean you denounce all the good you've done in this world so you can get the help that you feel you need. It doesn't mean that your efforts are in vain because you're not receiving as much support as those with less. It means you show compassion and keep working hard.

Things will get rough for you, just like it got rough for those you think don't deserve the amount of support they're receiving. It will not be easy for you, just like it has not been easy for those inmates who've changed their lives and are now trying to make an honest living - with no education and nowhere to live.

Do not degrade your favor on the account of worldly resources. Do not stop working because you feel like you're not getting what you deserve - or because you think others are getting more. Worldly resources are minute and worldly recognition waivers. It does not stretch and it is not consistent. God's resources, however, are infinite. God's recognition is forever. So keep working hard. Keep making good decisions and operating with love. Keep striving to be the most Christ-like version of you, so that you can receive more of God's favor and glory. That my darlings, is the only resource you'll ever need.

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life

Be Fueled By Your Exhaustion

2/08/2015

Amongst my peers, entrepreneurship is the hottest thing. Everyone wants to create something great, own a flourishing business or design a successful clothing line. Me, I was comfortable working for people. I (wrongfully) didn't want the responsibility of creating, managing and running anything myself. At least not anything that affected my livelihood. "If this fails..." and "I don't know the first thing about..." consumed my mind, as I convinced myself why working for a company I don't own, isn't half bad. I preached to myself about why the job security and structure provided by having an employer, is greater than being self-employed.

Then I got tired. I was over having to wake up at 8:00 a.m every morning from Monday to Friday. I got tired of being creatively restricted because my job was challenge-less. I became annoyed with the same routine, the same phone calls and the same co-workers working my last nerve. (You know how that goes!)

It wasn’t until I grew tired of working for someone else, that I wanted to work for myself. Often times, that’s how it goes; you won’t change anything until you become tired of it. Our comfort can be crippling.. Sometimes it’s unfortunate that that’s what it takes. Other times, I’m just grateful for the epiphany.

So here I am, working toward something greater. Something that I had never imagined myself doing. Something that I’m completely trusting God on to guide and protect me through.

And I’m happy. Invigorated, really. Knowing that I’m not just going to exist in this dry, damaged world - but that in some way, I’ll be creating my own world and inspiring change…at the same dang time. Knowing that I won't just be living to work a 9 to 5 for the rest of my life, but that I'll be immersed in the most passionate work I could have ever imagined doing.

In many ways, I’m happy I got tired. The exhaustion forced me to dream and it encouraged me to step out and become more. I hope you, too, get tired. I hope your eyes become heavy and you have a hard time finding a place to rest your head. I hope that in those moments of sheer fatigue - those moments that your tear ducts can’t bare to hydrate your dry eyes and you “just can’t stand it anymore” - you give birth. Give birth to your dreams and to a life of creation.

Be fueled by your exhaustion.

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growth

Mistakes Are Okay

2/05/2015

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growth

3 Tips for Finding Your Secret Place

2/03/2015

I'm not sure about you all, but when my mind is cluttered, my life reflects that. I can't work effectively when there are a million thoughts taking me from the tasks I should be focusing on. Being social doesn't seem so fun when my life is in disarray. And, the hours spent asleep seem much better than those spent awake. Because of this, I take time to myself frequently to clear my mind and release. I wipe my mind of all nonsense, figure out what projects are still pending (that may be stressing me out), and evaluate where in my life happiness may be lacking.

I do all of this from the confines of a quaint little park in a neighborhood across town.

The park offers nicely paved walkways, grassland for playing, and a river that provides the most soothing sound the city offers. While the park is obviously public space, when I'm on 'my' bench I'm the only one there. I do not see or hear anyone else around. Not the dogs chasing frisbees. Not the people fishing. Not the boats passing by. I sit in my spot and feel completely alone. Completely at peace.

This secret place is my escape from the world when my inner peace has been shattered; when the light at the end of the tunnel has diminished; and when my sanity is in struggle mode.

We're all entitled to our secret place. In fact, life's manual should mandate the use of one. For those of you who haven't yet found one, here are three tips to finding the perfect place for you:

Go somewhere that's easily accessible for you.
Life happens. There's no telling when you will have to rush to your place of peace and have a "come to Jesus meeting" with yourself. Your escape should be easy to get to/gain access to for those late night and early morning releases. If you prefer to go to a room in a building, be sure you either have a key to that building, or that the building is open more than it's closed. If your secret place is outdoors, be sure it's not an hour away. If gaining access to your secret place increases your chaos, that's not the right place for you. The point is to de-clutter, not re-clutter.

Go where no one can find you.
It's not an escape, if the people you're escaping from can find you. It's not a secret place, if your location isn't a secret. Honestly, it's that simple. I don't want to have to shorten my release or rush to de-clutter, because a friend of mine found out where I was and is now on her way to swoop me away to a party. Half way releasing, isn't releasing at all. I'm not suggesting you go somewhere completely secluded - unless of course, that's what you want to do - but go where those you are common with, cannot interrupt your process.

Go where you can do what you love the most.
Whether it's reading, writing, singing, dancing, running or yodeling at the top of your lungs while playing a solo game of jacks and painting your toenails, make sure the place you go to escape can accommodate the activity you use to escape; the activity you love doing the most. I read and write as a means to de-clutter my mind; this park can accommodate both. If your 'escape activity' is dancing, head to your favorite dance studio. If you prefer to express your emotions through art, head to an art studio. You may not need to dance or paint - you may merely want to sit in the room and cry - but at least you'll be in a place that allows a more creative release, if necessary.
Every woman is entitled to a secret place. A place for them to go and get away from the world. A place to be lost in themselves and their lives. Wherever you decide yours to be and however you decide to find it, make it effective. Make it right for you.

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Christ

Just Do It!: Running Toward Salvation

2/03/2015

I was having an insightful discussion with a friend of mine about spiritual salvation. I was surprised when she revealed to me that she wasn't saved, considering she'd been in church her whole life - and even introduced me to church at a young age, when my mother gave up on the hypocritical saints that sat in the pews. Although, I shouldn't have assumed she was saved, I kind of figured it was a given. I suppose the spiritual ignorance I still find myself fighting from time to time reared its ugly head. She told me the reason she isn't and it prompted me to recollect back to when I wasn't yet saved; and the long process I went through with myself to get there.

During my initial thoughts of salvation, I sought out advice from those who went to church and those who don't. Bad idea! Truthfully, when you're making a decision that effects you (and only you), it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Unfortunately, I didn't trust in that, back then. After receiving so many different pieces of advice, from so many different people, I still hadn't reached a decision. A decision that would ultimately change my existence. I battled with what would be different if I got saved. I struggled with the notion enforced by my mother who suggested that I don't have to be saved to serve God. I even uttered - like many others - "I'm just not ready to be saved".

You're not ready?!

While one of the most absurd things I could have ever said to excuse my lack of salvation - I understand where the misconception of "being ready" comes from.

Salvation seems like a scary thing. People interpret it as putting away all the fun life has to offer, to go on this slow, quiet, dreadful walk with Christ. But that's not it at all.

Salvation is acknowledging Christ as your Lord and Savior and committing yourself to following Him and His word. It's not scary at all, actually. It's one of the most fulfilling journeys I've ever embarked on and it began with a simple declaration. There is no prerequisite for salvation. You do not have to memorize bible scriptures. You do not have to pass a test. You do not have to achieve 9 out of 10 commandments. You do not have to be able to recite scriptures in front of the congregation one Sunday at the 11a.m service.

You merely have to accept Christ as your Savior. That's it. Really!

There's nothing to truly be "ready" for. Of course, with salvation, behaviors must change. You must dive into The Word. You must use each waking day to live more Christ-like. You must cleanse your heart, everyday, in an attempt to be better. You must be committed to saying "Yes" to God, whatever it may be, and trusting Him wholeheartedly. You must dedicate your life's work to fulfilling God's purpose. But that's not what you do before salvation, that's what you do during your journey.

You will never get it all right, before salvation. But with salvation, Christ will lead you, enlighten you and strengthen you. You will fall, but He will forgive you; and you know that, because you know His word. You know His promises. And you trust them both.

So for those of you who have been contemplating salvation: Just do it! Make that firm declaration. Scream it to the mountaintop. Let people know. Say 'Yes' to Christ and allow Him to work on you. Allow Him to come into your life and switch it all around. Allow Him to strengthen you during the weakest moments of your spiritual journey. Allow yourself to be human and cry out for help when you need it - because you will need it. Allow him to transform your life and everything within. Christ is your savior. You shouldn't have to "get ready" to declare that. Save your soul. Enrich His kingdom with your presence.

Patchouli Oil or Weed?: Why Giuliana's Comment Doesn't Matter

8 Tips for Maintaining Your Queendom

Need Forgiveness?

No Good Deed Goes Punished

Be Fueled By Your Exhaustion

Mistakes Are Okay

3 Tips for Finding Your Secret Place

Just Do It!: Running Toward Salvation

Letting Go: Cutting Off Loose Ends

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