I learned that my sophomore year. "You're not a sorry person," my graduate advisor shared with me. My apologies quickly changed after she put that into perspective for me. "Just apologize," she continued.
I've noticed a lot of my posts here have either begun with, or been grounded by, quotes of those closest to me. They've been lessons shared with me that have undeniably aided in my development. They've been statements, suggestions and commands that still guide me. I've also noticed that though highlighting the quotes, I miss the opportunity of highlighting the individual.
I can't say I've never done this before. It's been a recurring theme in past years. I've neglected love and friendships unintentionally, because I had no idea what it meant to water the grass. I failed to acknowledge their relevance because I was too focused on something else - something I thought was more important than these relationships. I walked out on people for my own hurt feelings, and was too misguided to turn around and walk back. I'd like to think I left these people with something memorable, but I can't be too sure. I know I took from them what I needed and when things fell short, I left. I had no interest in reconciliation and no desire to work to mend what was broken. Truth is, it wasn't until recently that I learned how.
These past few weeks I've been trying to figure out how to rid myself of the tainted elements of my being. I've been trying to tap into the cause of my emotional disruptions and ghastly judgement. I've been trying to fix myself, and realized that in order to do that I have to look at my past. I have to look at the things that I'm still holding onto and the soul ties that are still lingering. So today I'm using a quote from someone whose presence shifted my life, and am apologizing to all those whose presence shouldn't have ended as nastily as it did.
And, while no, I am not sorry, I truly do apologize.
I apologize for not believing in you, when believing is all you wanted me to do. When outrage and anger filled my heart and the only things I could muster up to say was "you can't do it". I apologize for letting the warm water of hatred deteriorate a mendable friendship. For holding on to the hurt of brokenness for so long that the only way I knew to release it was to put it on you and whoever else fell in the wraths of my pain. I apologize for letting my thoughts eat away at this, at us, when communicating was a viable option that I should've selected. I apologize for my petty. For my messy.
I apologize for filling my wine glass while leaving yours empty. I apologize for the broken plans and the lame excuses. The missed birthdays and the attitudes when you missed mine. I apologize for making you text me before you called. I apologize for letting subtweets fly across my Twitter timeline. I apologize for not trusting you enough to let our reconnection flourish; for still harboring pain in my heart.
I apologize for speaking death over us, before I knew the power of words. Before I recognized the power of us. Despite our many spats, your friendship is irreplaceable. And I apologize for spending these last couple of years trying to replicate it; trying to find someone that "got" me like you. Trying to find someone that was as equally classy and ratchet as I. I apologize for the way I made you feel, even if what you felt was nothing. I apologize for that nothing. For that blank space I left you with when you needed me most. For being absent and self-absorbed during your darkest moments. During your breakups and terrible apartments. For not being available for your brightest moments. During your graduations and new jobs. I apologize for not using my voice to be constructive. For not using my voice to pour into you anymore. I apologize for not understanding. And most importantly, I apologize for not having been mature enough to do these things, to be this woman, to mend our brokenness.
To those of you who've been cut by my words. To those who've been hurt by my neglect and disregard for your presence. To those of you I may have belittled in order to comfort myself. To those of you I was too damaged by to love. I apologize for everything I may have done to leave a nasty taste in your mouth, or a dark stain on your heart.
Because, no I'm not sorry, but I genuinely do apologize.
I hope this not only severs my soul ties, but yours as well.
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