At the time those words weren't at all what I wanted to hear, but now those words are perfect. They replay in my head more rhythmic than before. Like a chant. Or a song. Or the soundtrack to my life.
"You're closer now than you've ever been," I repeat to myself as I click clack away at these keys. I say it every time I log into this site, or think of a new idea. I'm closer now that I was in February. There are people, and organizations, and community leaders, and bloggers who now know who I am - who now know what DEAR QUEENS is. I'm closer now than I was with Polished Perceptions, or Z Talks, or my very personal, very uncensored Tumblr account.
"You're closer now than you've ever been," I say aloud as I think back to the mess I used to be a mere three years ago. I think back to my own battles with self-love, identity and worth. I think back to the bad decisions and bad hangovers. I think back to the bad outfits and badder hair days. I think back to the bad mouthing and the bad relationships.
I'm closer to Christ now, than I've ever been. I remind myself of that every time I think of how this purpose was revealed to me. I reference that every time I pray before I react. I inhale those words every time I think of how my decisions and behavior will impact His kingdom and my entry into it. I look to Bible verses to guide me through situations, and look to God to lead me to my next moves. I talk less and listen more. I open my heart to His guidance and His desires, rather than my own. I sing to Him and cry to Him. I speak to Him - not always to ask for things - but to show my gratitude. I worship Him. I shout for Him. I cry for Him. I believe in Him. I'm closer.
I'm closer to me now, than I've ever been. I've identified myself with my own metrics. I've defined myself with my own guidelines. I've sulked in solitude and came out from the dark enlightened. Filled with love. Filled with promise. Filled with an identity that I hadn't had an interest in tapping into before. I've grown into me. I've become a me I'm proud to wake up to. A me with meaning. An unapologetic me. I've tapped into my power. My beautiful womanhood. My beautiful flaws. I'm closer.
I'm closer to love now, than I've ever been. I'm feeling it. I'm wallowing in it. I'm jumping in it's puddles and giggling with each splash. I'm welcoming it into my life and giving it back. I'm sharing it. I'm enjoying it. I'm play wrestling under the covers with it. I'm uncovering it. I'm doing things I've never done and saying things I never thought I'd say to it. I'm happy in it. I no longer neglect it, but realize that to keep it growing it must be watered. It must be nurtured. I'm nurturing it. I'm trusting it. I'm in it, deeply. I'm much closer.
And, this is the best closeness I've ever experienced. The most important proximity I could ever welcome myself to. The best warmth I've ever felt. This closeness is perfect. I know this must've been what my mother meant. That while literally I was closer then, than I'd ever been, this is true closeness. Being closer to resolution. Closer to triumph. Closer to joy and peace and wholeness. Closer to completion. Closer to it all making sense.
I'm closer now than I've ever been - and tomorrow I'll be even closer. The closer, the better.
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The above is written in support of All The Many Layers' #30Layers30Days writing challenge.
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