It's June. Six months into 2017. It came quicker than I expected.
They say this is the month you start to evaluate where you are with your goals; you look back at your vision board and start placing checkmarks. They say you start to shift your thinking this month; you start adjusting your tactics to finish off strong; to close out the goals that still remain. They say this is the time to really go hard; to grind out the rest of the year so you hit every target. Yep, that's exactly what they say.
I just wish it was as easy as that.
Like many, I started my year with a list of goals. I wrote down seven outcomes I wanted to achieve by year's end. Things easily measured: increase blog views by 12,000 each month, accept 5 speaking opportunities, vend at 4 events; get a new apartment, make 2 new friends, forge 3 professional connections, lose 15 pounds. These goals were reasonable. I knew I could accomplish each one of them without burning myself out. They were all attainable by the end of the year. I'm realizing, however, as this sixth month begins, none of those things are what this year is about. None of those things were written into the first part of my 2017, and I'm not sure if they're written into the latter part either.
This year hasn't been about blog views or speaking gigs. It hasn't been about friends or networking. It doesn't seem to be about anything I could numerically measure; it has nothing to do with business or fitness or apartment searching. This year is about being uprooted. It’s about uncovering where I've been planted to expose the negative seeds that were sown. It's about digging up those seeds; about purging the fruits that those seeds have sown. This year has been about a deeper level of self-discovery — work, life, and love pushed to the side.
This year has been about being shattered and pieced back together. About going through and coming out. This year has been about becoming a whole woman. Despite my circumstance. Despite my status. Despite my brand. This year has been about identifying the woman I am behind the beautifully sculpted words that adorn my side of the internet and resume. It's been about being deeper than what's on display. About uncovering the depths of my being and finding comfort in the woman that sat there. About existing without feeling the need to prove myself to anyone. About just breathing. And living. And enjoying. And learning. About redirecting myself to realize what truly matters in this life of mine — not blog views, but impact; not goals, but purpose; not battles or competition or validation, but love. This year has been about finding beauty in the bareness of my soul. It's been about being spiritually nude — stripping myself of this world's attitude and expectations, and focusing completely on my being in Christ — and enjoying that person. Enjoying who she is in her purest form.
This year has been a whirlwind of unexpected nonsense and too much liquor. A tornado of torn feelings and brokenness. A rainstorm of sacrifice and suffering. This year has been every bit of the crash, burn, and rebuild that I've needed, to see myself in the same lens God uses. It's been about discovering the hidden parts of myself and not hiding them anymore. It's been about pulling them from the closet, dusting them off, and wearing them confidently. It's been about loving every bit of who I am and sharpening my iron in ways that I wouldn't have been able to do on my own. This year has been carefully constructed by God to rescue me, despite having been wildly close to defeat.
The emotional and spiritual hardship I've experienced this year has been enough to knock me off my feet — multiple times. But as this year continues, I recognize that there's a greater purpose behind it all. I've never felt more aware of myself than I do now. I've never felt more sure of myself than I do now. I've never felt more in love with myself than I do right now.
This year's first six months has been nothing I expected, but I trust that it's been everything I need. So no, I didn't increase my blog views by 12,000 each month, I didn't accept 5 speaking opportunities, I didn't vend at 4 events; I didn't get a new apartment, make 2 new friends, or lose 15 pounds (yet). But if you ask me where I am with my goals, I will tell you "right where I need to be."
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