I'm upset with God. I'm disappointed in Him and my faith is wavering. The nerve of me, right? As contradictory as it may seem - me being part faith-based blogger and all - I just can't seem to erase my human voice from this post. Because being human is all I have right now and I have to hold on to what's left of me.
I did all I could to listen. To be obedient. To surrender my pride and do things God's way. When I first received His revelation last October, I was determined to make it come to pass. I was determined to live in a way that would manifest this grand purpose He had planned for my life. I was working as tirelessly on that as I had done for this blog that was laid on my heart in May 2014. I was determined to make sure I did all I could in Christ, to fulfill the purpose in that revelation.
So I did. I set out to be in full obedience, and while a few times I met the ground, God dealt with me. He brushed me off, spanked me on the butt and told me to fall back in line.
Fall back in line.
So I did; I got back up and fell back in line. I knew that at the other side of the constant turmoil I was experiencing, would be this worthwhile promise. This prosperous, joyous promise. This promise He showed me.
Only it wasn't.
On the other side of my constant turmoil, was even bigger turmoil. Turmoil that I hadn't once seen in the vision of promise He laid upon me last October. So here I was, fighting for dear life to ensure this purpose came to fruition, when on the other end, it never would. God broke His promise. He erased the vision. He gave me a false revelation and clearly my obedience meant nothing to Him.
Did God lie to me?
I handled the blow like any 'strong' woman would at the time: emotionless. I gathered my belongings, packed my bag and left - both literally and figuratively. I was done. It was done. And to save myself from any more time, embarrassment and pain I placed shades upon my face and bolted to the door.
How could God lie to me? God doesn't lie. Why would He do this? How could He do this?
I put all my work into making this work for His kingdom - despite my own worldly reservations, expectations and standards. I ignored myself and listened to God because I was supposed to. I was supposed to surrender to His will! I was supposed to fight for my territory! And all those times I'd fallen, I was supposed to get back up and try again! He told me to!
So why was my obedience showing meek results? Why was my obedience not good enough? And why had my obedience not rendered the results that were promised?
I'm upset with God. And no matter how many scriptures I pray or how many prayers I recite, this feeling hasn't ceased. This anger toward The Most High hasn't left me since it began. In fact, it has heightened. Because day after day there's something else being thrown into the fire. It's as if God is requesting more wood. I hear Him: "more wood, please," making a mockery of my attempt at Godly living. At obedience. At discipline. At my promise. I want my promise!
As the flames rise, I shrink. I shrink into disbelief, wavering faith and anger. I'm pissed at God! Because not only has He led me astray - making my discipline meaningless - and added more to the pain, He's been non-responsive. He broke my heart then ran away. He left me in the wilderness with a broken compass and no voice to follow. What everyone said He would never do, He's done.
But what about all the other times He's been there?
I stopped and thought that to myself as I drove home from yet another challenging day. We - because we're all human - have a tendency to clench tightest the bad things. The things that cause our lives to quake. The disruptions and dissatisfactions. We remember the hatred, anger and sadness before the happiness and glory. We let the mighty madness hold our bandwidth more than the great things.
It's possible that I'm so upset with how God has been handling me lately, because I've been ignoring the many things He's provided for me. I'm yelling at Him and cussing Him out at the way He chose to end my year, without acknowledging the many amazing things He conjured up for me throughout the year. This blog launch, these awards, MegaFest, this new job, higher salary, thriving friendships, the conception of projects and the many other feats He allowed me to tackle, I've ignored. Yet and still, I'm holding on to this. I'm erasing all the work He's done on (and for) me this year, because of these recent setbacks. Because of this December fire, I'm discrediting everything He's done between January and November. And much like yesterday's mistake shouldn't erase a year's worth of great work in our lives, it shouldn't for God, either.
Only it is. Because, I'm human. A servant, but human nonetheless. I hope that in tapping into this not-yet-encouraging revelation, I'm able to grab myself before I drift too deep into the fire. Before I lose myself in the flames. Before I confuse God's test with His abandonment. Before I allow someone else's free will to ruin my life the way they once imagined.
I'm not sure what will happen with the promise God showed me, nor with the obedience I now have on my record. Perhaps that's none of my business, yet. But this is my faith, and I'm going to fight for it. Even if I have to fight through the flames that God threw me in. That won't make (the human in) me any less upset, but it'll certainly strengthen my faith; I need that more than ever right now. And I suppose that's all He's ever really asked of me anyway.
God couldn't have lied to me, and His promise just might be renewed. I simply hope these burns don't leave a scar.
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