Happy New Year

Don't Forget To Say Sorry

12/31/2017

"D*mn You!," I shouted.

Not the best way for a woman of faith to start a conversation with God. He knew my heart anyway. He knew the anger that was resting in the pit of my chest. The hatred I had for the vision He showed me. He knew how much I despised His plan, and resented ever being obedient. At least in that moment. 

I never lied to God. I was as honest as I could be—sometimes to a fault. That's how our relationship was forged: through honesty. These feelings were something I couldn't hold on to any longer. I tried to be diplomatic. I tried, hard, to speak beyond how I felt. I even tried to suppress my thoughts, hoping that one day they'd dismiss themselves. 

10 months in and they hadn't.

That night, I cursed, and yelled, and cried. I released months worth of anger to a God that I once worshipped. I wrote about my anger a few times before, but this was the first time I let Him know how I felt. It was the first time I'd come face-to-face (figuratively, of course) with Him to express my frustration; to let it out.

I slept good that night.

But that wasn't a streak I was determined to keep up as the year progressed. Because no matter how much I fought, I needed God's will, I needed His grace, and I needed His promise to manifest in the way He intended it to—pain & sorrow included. I later realized that pain & sorrow would become growth & reflection.

So I sat on my floor one month later and repented for every bit of disbelief, disrespect, and the disdain in my heart. I repented for every unkind word and ill sentiment. I apologized not because I had to, but because I needed to. To grow any further I had to stop running from the way He chose to press me.

I spent many days with anger toward God, but I knew that in order to grow deeper in Him—something I was still oddly desperate to do—I couldn't ignore how I once felt. I couldn't act like it never happened. I couldn't pretend like my despise for Him, in this moment, was no longer there. I had to face it. I had to pursue forgiveness. I had to heal the hole in my heart; and the only way to do so was to admit there was one, and ask God to restore me. So that's what I did. I confessed my anger, again, and apologized for the ways in which it manifested in my life (and on my tongue).

The minute I let those feelings go, I felt divinity fill my space again. I felt my heart empty of all negativity. I felt myself—the woman I worked hard to become—begin to take shape again. It didn't happen all at once, but over time I started to get myself back. I started to find myself thirsting for what I missed out on during my 'beef' with God. I found myself finally moving on from a phase of my life that kept me in bondage longer than it should've. Longer than I should've allowed it to.

Some people may think it's crazy to share with the world how God has disappointed them. How He may have let them down. How they may have also cursed Him. Some may think it's crazy to have those thoughts. How could anyone ever shun God in that way? But if we're honest, many of us have felt that way. Many of us have felt that God stopped caring about us; that He stopped protecting us; that He stopped loving us. Shoot, some of us may feel that way right now. That He forsook us. That He lied to us. That He left us. That, when we needed Him most, He was nowhere to be found. 

I know that feeling. I lived that feeling for 10 months, while still trying to push messages of faith and hope. I've been there, and I will never reduce your moment there right now. I can't send you any scriptures that will make you feel good enough to trust Him again. I won't write witty cliche's about how He's going to come through in the clutch. None of that matters to you right now. It didn't matter to me, either. 

What I will do, though, is encourage you to start this new year, new. To be made whole despite what you endured this year. To ask you to refresh your heart and your mind. To get you to recenter your spirit and refocus your energies.

I started this new year's post two weeks ago. I told a few people what the topic would be. I was excited to tell you what I was going to focus on in 2018, and how I was taking control of my life—of my feelings. But I felt convicted to share this message, instead.

I felt like I needed to encourage you to not start the new year with the same hate in your heart that you may have ended this year with. To not continue with the same resentment for obedience that currently exists. To not go forth with the same disdain for the ways in which you feel God failed you. To not rest in the same anger you have toward spirituality that you've wrestled with all year. 

I felt like I had to remind a young woman who, like myself, had once blasphemously cursed Jesus and everything He had ever promised, to repent. To pursue forgiveness. To give God another chance. To ask Him to give you another chance. To start 2018 on a better foot than you may have ended 2017. To begin again. To allow yourself to be restored. To be renewed.

I felt that perhaps you needed to forgive yourself, too. For your less than favorable thoughts. For the ways in which you let this year break you. For the way you lost yourself in the process. I felt like I needed to remind you to put away the resolutions and to focus on yourself. To start the new year with kindness and patience toward yourself. To refresh yourself in self-love. To let go of the bondage you carried throughout this year. To get yourself back. To hold yourself tight into the new year, and to be diligent in discovering and nurturing the new parts of you that are found. To embrace you. Fully. 

Because starting a new year means nothing when you're entering it with the same baggage, the same emotional turmoil, or the same disdain you built up during a rough 2017. So as you create your vision boards, draft your list of intentions, chill your champagne, and think about the way this year may have failed you, don't forget to say sorry. 

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Christ

Where'd Your Expectations Go?

12/11/2017

It's hard to believe in a power that once let you down. You're told over and over again to expect great miracles, but when those miracles don't come to pass, what happens? When you've waited endlessly for the very thing you've been expecting but now you're weary. Now you're tired. Now you're fed up. What is there to expect, when expecting has failed you?

See the first is that you must expect God's foundational truths to come to pass. Not that your prince charming will come and propose to you in the way you wish, but that God will redeem and restore you despite the pain or heartbreak of your last relationship. Not that the job you consider to be your dream job will happen, but that you were created for a purpose, and that purpose will be fulfilled by God's will. Not that your friendships will last forever, but that He will equip you with the love, support and strength you need to succeed.

Many of our expectations are based on our own desires instead of God's will. They're based on what we want to manifest in our lives. Very seldom do we sit in expectation for God's plan, rather we sit patiently (and sometimes begrudgingly) awaiting the miracles of what we hope to see.

Rarely do we want God to be God—executing His plan and taking us on His path—we only want Him to be God in the ways that serve us. We want Him to be all powerful as it relates to Him giving us what we want, with or without the work necessary to make it happen (conditional blessings). We expect God to deliver what we want, without us acknowledging that much of what we want will do a great disservice to who we were called to be; who He called us to be. We expect God to deliver our desires, instead of fulfilling His plan how He deems most necessary. 

That is where most of our disappointment comes from.

It's not that God isn't delivering miracles, it's that He's not delivering the miracles we want. We constantly demand God to execute our plan and find ourselves disappointed when He doesn't. When He cares too much about us to just hand us what He knows will destroy us. The answer to this disappointment isn't to stop expecting, it's to stop expecting things God never promised. 

Much of this spiritual walk is a mind game. It's a change in our thinking and the ways we tackle life's everyday problems. It's our fight against temptation and the enemy's logic. It's not letting your emotions get the best of you. It's staying true to God's word and putting yourself and this world to the side. It's dying to yourself every day, and living for God's will—God's way.

So when you sit in expectation, sit in expectation for who God says He is, and expect Him to be just that. Don't expect a fairy tale you crafted in your head and get disappointed when God doesn't deliver it. Don't use your limited thinking to conjure up 'ideal situations' that you want God to fulfill, then despise Him when they don't come to pass. Instead, simply expect the goodness of God and the perfect power of His will—not yours.

It is not God's responsibility to fulfill His promise based on our plan, but to fulfill His promise based on our destiny. That's something worth expecting. 

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purpose

You Are Already Equipped

11/27/2017

The right time will never come unless you make it.
The right resources are already within you.
Do this for you and God; nothing else matters.

These are the things I speak when I frighten myself with bold ideas. It's accompanied by a quite recent tweet I found mentioning how we've already been equipped for this work, coupled with a confirmed that dates back to God's first creation of man: Adam. 

Adam was created to reign over the newly created land. He was to work and take care of the land. Adam, however, needed a partner, thus Eve was created from his rib, and joined him. There they were, the complete pair. Given all they needed to sustain themselves in this world. There were adequate water sources, plentiful fruit trees to eat from and each other to delight in. Perhaps, seemingly too simple to fathom in this day, they had it all. God made sure of that.

Unfortunately (for us all), they hadn't realized it. The serpent - who was also indicated in Gensis as God's creation - had plans to entice and confuse them into thinking they were ill-equipped. Of all the trees afforded to them, the pair didn't have approval to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil; this was the one tree that was off limits. Despite knowing so, the serpent enticed Eve to do the very thing God didn't want either of them to do by making her believe that she needed something else - something more - than what was already provided. Sound familiar?

Like Adam and Eve, God has equipped us with everything we need for the purpose He's assigned us to. He gave us the gifts and talents we need to execute the purpose; He gave us the passions we need to identify and delight in this purpose; He predestined the circumstances we need to build the endurance, strength, and resilience, to implement and sustain this purpose; and He gave us the desire to sharpen our discernment and be led by Him, to truly fulfil our purpose. Yet for some reason, we're still waiting for something more. We're waiting for something bigger. Despite having all we need to implement, Satan has convinced us that we don't have enough. That we are ill-equipped. 

He plays on our insecurities to get us to believe that we're inadequate. Because Eve couldn't eat from one tree, she didn't have enough; she was inadequate. But don't judge Eve, look at yourself. Because we're missing one characteristic, we can't serve how we ought to. Because we don't know what lies ahead we can't implement our plan. Because we don't have money... because we don't have time... because we don't have resources, we can't serve. We can't be. We can't create. We can't do.

Satan uses this trick to force us into a state of procrastination or straight denial for what God's instructing us to do. We tell ourselves that when we get this...that...more, we'll do it. We'll start it. We'll produce it. We'll write it. We tell ourselves that when God provides, we'll start to move. Interestingly enough, He already has provided - He's just waiting for you to realize it.

Satan knows what He's doing in his attempts to deter us. He's strategically trying to run you off course, and if you allow him to, it will work. There's a reason that despite having the tree of life at their leisure to consume, they chose to eat from the tree that was forbidden. Of the abundance God provided for them, they still felt it wasn't enough. Right now, you probably feel like you're not enough. Like you don't have 15k followers on social media, so you can't launch a brand. Like you don't have 15k dollars in your bank account so you can't start your business. Like you don't have the look, the speech, or the connections to be the motivational speaker God is pushing you to become. All of those inadequacies are directly from the serpent.

When God put you here - when He created you to be the solution to a problem, when He planted within you the gifts needed to advance His kingdom by solving this problem, when He identified your route for addressing this problem, and when he marked your expiration date to be the day your work was finished - He gave you everything you needed to achieve the mission. He equipped you with all the tools, the people, the resources, the strength, and the passion that you needed to fulfill it. He readied you with the armor, nourishment, and wisdom (that is, to merely rely on, and trust, Him) to get you through. Perhaps it's time you stop letting the serpent convince you otherwise.

You're waiting for more to be delivered to your doorstep; waiting for God to defeat the serpent. You're waiting for a strike of lightning to confirm something God already put in your spirit; waiting for a million dollars to hit your bank account to pay for the efforts God has already assigned resources to; waiting for a 'right time' that God has already put on your calendar. But none of that is coming, because it has already been provided. You have already been equipped with everything you need.  

The same one that tricked Eve into believing she needed the forbidden fruit is tricking you now. My question to you is, how much longer are you going to let him?

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30Layers30Days

Waiting For Morning

11/21/2017

Your heat kicked on with a forceful blast of 82 degree air shooting through your vents. Your candles were lit and gospel music was playing through your Bluetooth speaker set.

You were praying. Worshiping. Surrendering.

It had been a long time since you allowed yourself the time, and space to pray. You were so consumed with anger for God that you didn't want to talk to Him. You barely wanted to acknowledge His presence since, for so long, it felt like He'd been absent. You wanted to ignore Him and everything He previously told you about His plan for your life. This night, though, you needed something different.

Being mad at God wasn't yielding you any results different than the ones that got you in this downward spiral, anyway. The only direction you could think to go was toward Him; so you did. You filled your apartment with the sound of worship and ushered your heart into a spirit of praise and thanksgiving. You started by thanking God for all He'd done. At first you started with a generic thanks, "thank You for life, health, and strength." You then got deeper, "thank You for the love and support I've been receiving during this trying time in my life." The more you thanked God, the more you thought of to thank Him for, despite your year being full of tragedy and mourning (something only definable by your own standards).

2017: Get the Hell On was the title of this year's memoir. You were determined to turn it around. You finally got out of your own way, and knelt at the feet of The One who could make it all better. "Lord, please send the morning." The time was 11:42pm. But, you knew as soon as your 6:00am alarm rang, you'd be new. You'd be restored. You knew that, as soon as the sun peaked through your blinds the next day, your pain would be washed away. You had hope in that much...at least.

Morning came and went. You felt no different. You were still angry. Still broken. You expected a miracle to happen as the sun rose, and were quickly reminded: not today.

So here you are, another day, another night, another moment, waiting for morning...again. Another morning. Another try. Another attempt at healing and wholeness and growth. Another attempt at redemption and restoration. Praying today but waiting until tomorrow to feel it. To hear it. To see it. To experience it.

Morning is neither a day nor time.

All the times you prayed for better tomorrow's, you hadn't realized that the tomorrow you were hoping for still rested in today.

Morning is a state of mind. It's a state of being. It's a recognition. It's a peace. It's an aura. Morning is with us every time we choose to look toward the light instead of resting in darkness. Morning is with us every time we decide to crawl through the pain. Morning is with us every time we decide to get up and fight another day; choosing not to be consumed by our circumstance, but to live above it.

Many of us get lost in the thought that morning is a place in time. That we have to wait until the sun rises again. That we have to sit still until the the top of the year, or the first of the month. Few of us recognize that morning is wherever you make it -- in the middle of the night, the second week of October, or 2:00 on a cloudy Thursday afternoon. Morning is the moment you decide to reawaken yourself, and find the joy you've been praying for. Morning is the point in which you accept God's will for your life, and adorn yourself in armor suitable for this type of battle. Morning lies within you, not in time, or days, or Earth's movement around the sun.

You're told in church to just wait for morning. That you may have to endure for another moment, but morning is merely hours away. Sis, morning is right here. Right now. Morning is the decision you make to be better. To do better. To feel better.

So next time you pray for morning, don't rush to bed. Don't count the hours. And, don't just wait for the sun to begin peaking through your blinds. Instead, use that very moment to declare morning over your life, and recognize when it has already arrived.

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life

The Duty of Service

11/16/2017

I don't ask for help often. I was raised under the self-affirming, independence-invoking mantra: if you want something done, do it yourself. So I've always positioned myself to do just that—it—myself. I only committed myself to things that I could do without anyone else's help; only planning events that I had money to plan; only creating programs that I had the ability to sustain. Pursuing help for my endeavors always pained me. It felt like I was inconveniencing others with my passions.

Then I launched this holiday initiative and it all changed.

Because despite popular belief, true servitude is about doing what makes you uncomfortable to help advance the common good. To think outside yourself to provide, to love, and to support the people or cause you're advocating for. It's to be obedient to God and serve in the way He's called you to, not the way you're most comfortable doing. It's to surrender to yourself, your pride, your ego, your desires, to give back to someone else. To make some part of this world a little better. To shed a little bit of light in someone's darkness. 

I'm learning that some work is beyond your discomfort. It's not about not wanting to ask for help, but about doing what you must to leave an impact in people's lives. It's about God's assignment for your life. It cares nothing about your to-do list, your discomfort, or your nervousness. It gives zero damns about your exhaustion, laziness, or insecurity. God's assignment [servitude] needs you to show up and deliver despite your fears or self-diagnosed inadequacies. So sometimes, you will have to step outside of your comfort zone. You will have to ask strangers for funds to support your work; you will have to drive from house-to-house delivering elevator speeches; you will have to post videos and get used to public speaking; you will have to awkwardly navigate meetings and networking events; you will have to leave your couch and possibly stay up late; you will have to get your hands dirty, file paperwork, hand out some 'nos'; you will have to drop your ego; you will have to be uncomfortable. But it's not about you, it's about the cause. And as long as you stay focused on what that cause is, the load may not get any easier, but it will feel more worthwhile.

I realized that while I can do so many things myself, I don't necessarily have to. I started thinking to myself about how much greater programs, events, and volunteer opportunities could be if I actually solicit aid. I thought about how much more meaningful things can be if I tap into my resources and connect with others who are willing to help. None of this is about me—or how many times I have to flood social media with flyers, or how many shirts I have to send out myself—it's about the work that God has assigned me to do in this world. It's about the women that need to feel cared for, loved, and unforgotten. About the women who may need inspiration during [what some may consider] the most depressing time of year. About the women who may just want a hug and a holiday cookie.


Recognizing this created a drastic shift in the way this year's initiative is being planned and supported. Individual texts, e-mails, and conversations have happened. I raised more money in one week, than I have in the last two years combined. This year will be far more impactful, not because I was afraid to ask people for help or because I was too prideful to, but because I stepped outside of myself for a moment. Because I knew, that in order to make the impact I wanted to make this year, I had to do the things I've always been too fearful (prideful, worried, insecure) to do.

Servitude won't always be your favorite thing. It'll seldom meet you where you're most comfortable. It may not always work in your favor. And perhaps it won't even be in the way you most enjoy giving back. But the work has to get done, and luckily, you get to do it.

(Because, servitude is an honor.)

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