lessons

DEAR QUEENS, from AunDrama

2/14/2016

DEAR QUEENS,

I am writing to remind you of why this day may (or may not) mean so much to you. For we are women and women are one of the more delicate forms of nature. For we know how to make the  cold days feel cozy and how to make the “ugly days” feel flawless again. But something I am  watching my Queens do is use this day to forget who needs the most of your love.

You.

This letter is for my ladies still running ramped for Valentine’s Day and for my ladies still rolling their eyes at Cupid. This is for the women still day dreaming of how they wish to shower someone with affection and for the women still wondering why they have yet to be pampered by another. This letter is for all of you. You are love.

You are daytime and new beginnings, you are nightfall and prayers. You are an open temple, and you are Fort Knox. You are the person pouring all of your love into a glass and you are the lucky person to get the last sip.. You are love. You are the reason that “they” hate you and you are the reason that “they” desire you, because you are love.

I have learned that with the matters of the heart, there is no manual, no panic button, and no right answers. I have learned that no form of rejection, no amount of jealousy, and no level of pride can overcome the power of love. I have learned that revenge is only as sweet as the bitterness you hold onto. And no matter how much love you may (or may not) be willing to give another person, you will never run out of it for yourself because YOU ARE LOVE.

Remember this today, Queens. And may your tomorrows welcome the same power that you possess because it will never take the 14th of February to remind you that:

You. Are. Love.

xo,

AunDrama

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I wouldn't have wanted to end this WHAT ABOUT LOVE Series with any other post. Aundrea, thank you for shining your light on the women struggling to see in the dark. Continue to share your lessons with the world - someone needs them.

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It's Not Crazy to Love Yourself

2/11/2016

I wish I could marry myself. 
No, that's not crazy at all.
I love myself deeper than any love I've ever felt; and this love didn't happen overnight. It took a lot of unlovable moments and unloving times. Lots of heartbreak and figuring out how to piece it back together. It took me to be cracked wide open, insides seeping out, to realize how precious those insides were. I haven't always been cute and I haven't always been a good woman; but the realization of that helped me get here. It helped me work to become the very things I used to wrongfully describe my worth. 

My longing desire to be like someone else took full control in fourth grade. I was in elementary school wanting to have boobs like other girls in my class. In middle school I wanted the latest fashions like the cool kids. In high school, I wanted weave. In college there were weight issues; even after losing 20 pounds. I was never satisfied. There was always something new to hate about myself. Always something new that needed fixing. That's how self loathing works. You'll fix, and fix and fix until there's nothing left to pick at. But you still won't be happy. And you still won't love yourself. 

I looked for love in broken relationships and irrelevant friendships. I needed validation from those around me - no matter how damaging they were to other areas of my life. I needed others to fill me up with their love, because I couldn't muster up enough of my own. It felt good until all those people were gone. Until I was left to make myself feel as whole as they had once helped me feel. Until I was stripped of the only expressions of love I ever knew. 

I wish I could marry myself.
No, that's not crazy at all. 

I learned to love myself because God loves me. Because God has saved me over and over again, even when I least deserved it. I learned to love myself because clearly there was something worth loving, and while I may not had found it at the time, I knew it was there. I knew it was only a matter of time before I fell in love with what God created in me. Before I fell in love with the things those around me had experienced. 

The lesson I had to learn, was that self-love is intentional. It's work, just like loving others. It takes time, effort and lots of patience. It doesn't just happen over night, but with constant soul-searching and an unwavering willingness to do so. 

I learned that self-love is deeper than self-esteem. It's not just the way you feel about yourself, but how you treat yourself. High self-esteem means nothing if you still disvalue yourself enough to pass your body around.  Establishing your self-worth is irrelevant if you continue to allow yourself to be mistreated. Self-love prohibits that, or at least manages it better. It's your constant urge and desire to protect yourself from harm. To treat yourself appropriately so that others begin to follow suit. To actually implement the standards created by that high self-esteem and sense of self-worth.  

I learned that if you don't get started, you'll never do it. Like anything, you have to commit to starting. You have to put yourself on the path and take that first step. Strip yourself to the core. Peel back everything that has defined you up to this moment. Every opinion. Every bit of validation. Every thing that you realized never mattered. It'll get ugly. But it'll be worth it. And that is enough reason to muddy your boots for your journey to true love: self-love. 

Loving yourself is equivalent to loving God. To take care of yourself the way God has taken care of you is to return the favor of salvation to Him. It's taking care of His child. Handling yourself as preciously as He did when He created you. 

I wish I could marry myself.

And, no that's not crazy. Because I worked damned hard to feel this good about who I am and who I'm becoming. It's not crazy because the lessons I've learned along the way, have assured me that this type of love is necessary. That this type of love is perfectly okay. It's not crazy because like any relationship leading up to marriage, this love took work. It took arguments and sacrifice. It took soul searching and eliminating soul ties. It's okay because I didn't just stumble upon this love. I birthed it. I dealt with the morning sickness and night sweats on account of conceiving this self-love. I pushed it from my core with all the strength I had; with all the strength I could muster up. It's okay because I worked to get here. I worked to feel this way. And I deserve a ring for this sh*t. 

I wish I could marry myself.
No, that's not crazy at all.
You should want to marry yourself, too. 

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How to Know God Sent Him for You

2/10/2016

In the first 3 days I covered how to love effectively through grace, patience, kindness and other principles mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. But I'm sure I don't have to tell you how fruitless it all may be when you're loving the wrong person. Many times our hurt - although always a lesson - comes from our full on willingness to love the wrong person. We wear our hearts on our sleeves and do everything right, yet still end up in the deep end of a ditch. 

The other half of loving effectively and fruitfully is to ensure you're loving the right one. Hint: the one God sends, is the right one.

HOW DO I KNOW GOD SENT HIM FOR ME?
We must first acknowledge that not every one God sends is for you. There are many relationships we establish that are solely sent to teach us lessons. Lessons about ourselves and about relationships. It's all in preparation. But God does - and will - send the one for you, to you.

Kingdom marriages are real and knowing how to spot whether or not yours will be, is key. Not all of us have the divine connection to hear God yet. So knowing the signs of your God-given King is important for ensuring your relationship is one for the kingdom. These following questions, can help you in identifying if your relationship is a final or just a midterm:

1. Does he fit in with the purpose God has for your life? God will align you with a partner that supports and helps with your God-given vision. Is your new guy welcoming to your purpose? Even if he doesn't understand it, is he willing to support that purpose? Needless to say, it's tiring to work on a purpose that you partner does not support and cannot see the benefit in. It's even more tiring when you have to fight him about it in the process. But, another important piece is whether or not this man can fit in with your purpose. Does his purpose also - in some way - align with yours? Can you help each other in the purpose-driven areas of your life? Bottom line: God's purpose for your life is priority, and if your new guy doesn't fit in with that, then He may not be the one for you. 

2. Is he spiritually inept? The Bible says that the man is the head of the wife, and that Christ should be the head of the man. God will not send you a man, who is not willing to keep Christ at the head of himself and his marriage. Why would He? If He can't trust the man to be led He certainly won't trust the man to lead you. Will this new guy help you on your walk with Christ or will he tear you away? Can you two walk together? Does he pray when you cannot? Can he lead you? Does he have his own connection with God? You cannot have a kingdom marriage, without a man connected to the kingdom. Queens, if he's serving no role in the kingdom of God (if he doesn't know God, trust God, and isn't willing to be lead by God) then he should have no place in your queendom. 

3. Does he love you in a Christ-like manner? Seems like a stretch doesn't it? "Christ is the ultimate lover, and no man can love me like Christ does." Sure! I'm not here to argue that point. But loving in a Christ-like manner suggests his attempt to love as deeply and unconditionally as Christ loves. Is this new guy, willing to exercise the principles of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 love? Is he willing to protect, help and trust you? Is he willing to be patient and kind to you? Is he willing to put his pride in his pocket, so he can give you the great things you sometimes don't even deserve? The way a man treats you and loves you can say a lot about who sent him. A man whose properly led by God, will do his best to love you in a Godly manner. He won't just talk about how amazing you are, he'll show you. And I don't mean by buying you nice things and taking you on $200 dates, I mean he will show you his heart. He will show you his motives. And it will be unmistakably obvious. I'm not saying that love will be perfect, but he'll definitely try his best to perfect it. 

4. Has he gone through God for you? In one way or another the man will have to retreat to God to get permission to be with you. Often times, it's through God's preliminary declaration that you be sought out by this man. Other times, this means stumbling into a relationship, then separating and being worked on individually. Perhaps he wasn't as ready as he thought he was; or maybe he needed to seek clarity and confirmation. For those already firmly established in their kingdom courting, it may mean seeking God constantly for counsel in the relationship. In some way, this new guy had to have consulted with God, before declaring you're the one for him. If he hasn't, you cannot be sure that this is what has been assigned to your life. Think about it this way: if a man is supposed to be led by God, but he wasn't necessarily led to you, then He truly isn't being led - is he? Has your partner sought God or spoken to God about you? Has he made sure that you are indeed his wife? If he cannot confirm that he is for you, and you cannot confirm that he is for you, then you can deduce that God did not send him for you. Just because he's a good man, doesn't mean he's your good man.  

Relationships are give and take. There are men in this world who want to give you the world without expecting anything in return; although reciprocity would be nice. There are men who want to help you reach your dreams while they reach for theirs. Men who will pray with you and for you. Men who will listen to God about you. Men who will go through God to get to you. It's not fiction, it's not a fable - it's real. And those are the men God has been working closely on in preparation for you. This man is designed specifically for you. This is the man God is trusting with His precious cargo. He's not just any Godly man, but the man you were created for. To fit within a mutual purpose, for a mutual assignment, for the advancement of His kingdom. 

The King to your kingdom marriage may not have finished preparation yet - that's okay. Don't rush to what Satan sent because it looks good. Continue to prepare yourself for the greatness God plans to send. And if you have any doubts on if it's already here, refer back to these questions. 

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Did I miss any? Do you have any other hints for how to figure out if God sent him? Share! 

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The Grace to Love

2/07/2016

He got up from the table and walked to the bathroom. She looked around as time passed; no bathroom break should take this long. She wondered if she got up, would the waiter think she was trying to dash. Should she pull out her wallet and pay for the meal? Should she check outside to see if her date left. Seven minutes later the hostess walked to the table with a gift bag full of goodies, celebratory balloons and her favorite flowers: tulips. Mouth wide and surprised, he walked back to the table smiling. Drenched by the pouring rain. I suppose the bathroom was the least of his worries.

Love. 

The same love people drool over. The love people see on Instagram memes and drowned by #relationshipgoals comments. The same one that's flooding photos of couples graduating college and pursuing their professional endeavors together.

The same love, that the night before was filled with attitudes and irritation. Love that wanted to cuss and yell, but instead laid down and went to sleep after soft kisses. Forced "pack your pride away, I love you anyway" kisses. The love that prayed away the frustration. The love that hasn't always been this way but has become increasingly fruitful.

That simple kind of love you read about in stories and hear about in songs. 

We want that love. We want to experience the beauty and favor of an unconditional love. A sacred love. A God-led love. But instead there's another night of angry tears. Another argument. Anther phone smashed against the wall. Fuming. Upset. Discouraged.

You yelled each other's flaws at the top of your lungs like that'd make them go away. Like telling your partner how much you hate their imperfections would encourage them to change. Communication isn't your strong point. It's where you struggle most. Accepting each other is a close second.

Only it shouldn't be. You shouldn't be clinging on to life to find joy or acceptance in your partner's imperfections. You shouldn't have to struggle to find lessons in the varying situations of your relationship. It should come naturally. Not forced like those "let me get over my attitude" kisses, but free flowing like the wedding dress you dreamt of wearing since you were a little girl. Because everyone deserves love, and every love deserves grace. 

GRACE. The free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and bestowing of blessings. GRACE: free and unmerited favor. We receive that from God every time we wake. It's through His grace that we're forgiven, saved and loved. It's through His grace that we can run to Him over again and be healed, blessed and reconstructed. It's through His grace that true love is experienced. But do you offer that same grace to your partner?

Do you have the grace to love? Do you have the ability and willingness to let go of the flaws of your partner and love them through it? Do you have the capacity to free yourself from your judgmental thoughts and welcome your partner as the work-in-progress they are? Can you step outside of yourself to honor someone who may not always be on your good side? 

Having the grace to love is to provide your partner with the free and unmerited favor that God provides to you. It's the selfless acceptance of the flaws you once argued about. It's your generosity and kindness toward them when you feel they least deserve it. It's the selfless demonstration of loyalty and comfort, for nothing in return. Grace is free. There's nothing they've done to receive it. It's not given in return for something you've taken. It's the conscious decision to freely provide it. Your free-willed willingness to love, forgive and trust.

Having the grace to love is to reach to the deepest part of your heart and to pull out all you have. To show all your cards and all your kindness. It's to pour into others when they may not yet have anything to pour into you. It's to forgive them for unknowingly leaving you empty. It's to love someone through their flaws and their circumstance. It's to be a light, not darkness.

GRACE: free and unmerited favor. 

Many of us have done nothing to deserve love. But you having the grace to love and giving it anyway will give someone else the courage to pull it out of themselves and return it. It'll allow someone - who otherwise wouldn't have - to dig deep and pull out pure love for you. Having the grace to love, is the first step for the fulfilling, fruitful love you're seeking, and an important step for sustaining it. 

Having the grace to love is what builds your foundation and upholds the house you're working to build. 

Because everyone deserves love, and every love deserves grace. 

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