DEAR QUEENS

Fix Your Heart

10/16/2017

The following is an excerpt from DEAR QUEENS' October e-mail newsletter. To receive this monthly magic straight to your inbox, click here.
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Are you willing to give up everything for what God promised you?

This question provoked confrontation that I didn't expect to be met with on that rainy Monday evening. It was presented at the end of a dynamic conversation about trusting God. Eight black women surrounded the table to share testimonies and insight about the burdens and breakthroughs of trusting God. Many had triumphant stories to share. Me, I was there to absorb what they were pouring out.

This season – this entire year, really – has been incredibly challenging for me. This isn’t the first time I shared that; and I’m not sure that it will be the last (though I am hoping it will). It’s a truth that I’ve begrudgingly come to accept. "This is how my 2017 will be, I guess," I thought to myself month-after-month.

I wasn't sure how this process fit into God's promise for my life; it felt more like misery, to me. I often challenged Him on it. Sometimes I scolded Him for it. But I stayed diligent in the reality that this is what I must endure—so endure I shall.

Then Lisa asked that question and my entire heart sunk. I was conflicted.

Are you willing to give up everything for what God promised you?
Did I want God’s will? Yes, I’d be crazy not to.

But did I really want God’s will? No. I knew that by my hesitancy. I wasn't willing to give up everything for it. I felt like God had already stripped me of much, but losing everything to pursue His promise? I don’t know about that, God. At least not for the promise I was currently in pursuit of. Not through what I've had to go through already. I wasn't willing to get any lower than I already was. Not for this.

Then I did an honest evaluation. One separate from my very temperamental emotions. One that was straight-up real.

Did I really want God's promise for my life? HECK YEAH! But this process was hard. So hard. And because of that, I was willing to convince myself that I didn't. For eight months I told myself that His promise isn't "worth it". That I never wanted it. That I didn't care if He fulfilled it or not. For eight whole months I spoke against the very thing God wanted to bring into my life because the way He chose to deliver it knocked me off my feet (in a bad way).

Truth is, I wanted it then and I want it now. Yes, I'd give it all up to get it. And, despite what I say outloud to convince myself otherwise, I realized, in that moment, the role my hurt has played on me receiving the will of God. I recognized how much—despite feeling like I've been obedient—I've been standing in my own way. I acknowledged that it's time to stop letting the hurt I've experienced force me to disregard it.

FIX YOUR HEART.

The only explanation for my disregard for God's promise, one I so desperately wanted a year prior, was that my heart was still hurt. The pain from the journey was still so real. The pursuit was still sucking the life out of me. I was exhausted. Weak. Frustrated. All of that sat in my heart and tainted every vision I had for my future. For God's will. It wasn't that I didn't want it, it's that my heart wasn't right. My heart wasn't in a position to receive it.

So what is your heart like? Are you convincing yourself out of the will of God? Are you so hurt by your circumstance that you've begun dismissing God's promise? Are you so weary, that you'd rather stray?

If you don't earnestly want God's will, you won't wholeheartedly pursue it. But to operate outside of His will is to diminish the true essence of your creation. It's to deny God the right to do in you what He put you here for. To dismiss His plan for your life is to tell God that it is not good enough; or that you are not sufficient enough. It's an insult to His beautiful creation (you) and His omnipotence. And it turns to all of this because you allowed your feelings to control your faith. Because you let your circumstance dictate what your forever would look like, despite what God already showed you. Because you allowed yourself to trust your condition more than your Creator.

Are you willing to give up everything for what God promised you?

In that moment it all made sense. It wasn't me, it wasn't my situation, it wasn't even the other party(ies) involved; it was my heart. The hurt that I'd been experiencing. The pain that I'd been desperately trying to fight. The lies I'd been telling myself about why it didn't work, why it never could work, and why I didn't want it to work. I had to let go of the limiting thoughts my carnal mind constructed and get honest with myself. Brutally honest. Faithfully honest.

Zora Neale Hurston said it best "there are years that ask questions, and years that answer”. Ironically, the question that was asked, was also the answer I'd been seeking.

So I pose the same quandary to you: Are you willing to give up everything for what God promised you? Or does your heart need a little fixin', too?

With love,
Z.

P.S - Thank you Dae, for reminding me that no matter how loud I scream a lie, it is still a lie. No matter how hard I try to convince myself of something that isn’t true, my heart will always know, and feel, the truth.

P.P.S - This will be the last time I share about the exhaustion of this season. Because now, my tongue is only claiming victory. As always, I thank God for this revelation.

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life

Easing Chaos With Stillness

10/07/2017

I sat in the break room and listened to the sound of the clock as the seconds passed. The ticking was therapeutic. The rhythmic sound eased the frustration I had been experiencing all week. It was every bit of the solace I needed to continue my day in my right mind.

Over the years I learned a thing or two about the power of silence. About the beauty of stillness. About the peace that lies right beneath settling into one's existence. Not doing anything, not thinking anything.

It's one of the greatest things I learned to do during a people of color meditation event. How to exist in your body as a person of color trying to identify their inner voice without the microaggressions we experience as a result of our colored bodies. Utilizing stillness through the attention it takes to feel your skin, your limbs, your toes without actually touching them. To experience what breathing feels like. To feel the rising and sinking of your chest without looking at it. To allow yourself the time to feel your lashes tap against your bottom lid when you blink. And while I know there must be questions about how anyone can ease chaos with stillness — how is it even possible to find time to be still amidst chaos — the answer is simple: you just do.

Stillness: the absence of movement or sound. It's literally just existing; being present in the body. But in order to do that — to merely exist — you must allow yourself the time to do so. You must be intentional about being gentle to oneself. Of being patient, and kind, and caring to what you're going through. Being understanding of your need to do so; to silence yourself and everything around you and just be. You must give yourself the time, and love, and space to be still.

So, amidst all that you're going through, I urge you to step away. I encourage you to find a quiet space at work, in your home, or at the park, and fix your mind to silence all the distractions around you. Don't think about the distractions (the more you think about them, the more present they'll be), allow them to merely exist. Don't put your mind on anything in particular, rather allow it all to just happen around you. The butterfly that touches your nose, the fly that just buzzed past your ear, allow it all to just be. Feel the air. Experience a deep breath. Feel the wind softly caress your spine. Become one with your being, separate from all that you're dealing with. Recenter yourself to your true essence of existence.

In the moments of chaos? Especially in the moments of chaos.

In the moments you feel there's no time to step away. In the moments where your to-do list is overflowing and your inbox has 100+ unread messages. In the moments your phone is ringing off the hook. In the moments the kids are jumping off the wall. In the moments your boyfriend is being needy. In the moments your boss is hounding you for the report you just found out about. Learn when to flee. Learn when it's time to shut your laptop and take a coffee break. Learn when it's time to do a lap around the parking lot. When it's time to stop answering the phone and stop responding to e-mails. And learn when it's most necessary to use your lunch to sit in silence, instead of run those errands. Your mind, body, and spirit will be grateful...so will your productivity.

The sound of the wall clock calmed my anxiety. It brought my racing thoughts from 1,000 to 10. And, since then I've been practicing the art of stillness. I've been making my acquaintance with being gentle, and patient, and kind, and soft to myself. Because I've learned that there is no emergency greater than the one that threatens my peace.

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#TEATIME

Today I Lost a Fight

9/28/2017

It's odd to pen a piece like this immediately after publishing one about pleasing God. But see this very post is about God. It's about the subconscious plight of letting God fight my battle. I tried to read all my inspirational posts. I tried to excuse myself from my utter desire to give up. But nothing helped. Nothing was good enough to curve my feeling of defeat. Nothing was worth it anymore.

I spent 7-months talking myself out of this decision. I told myself I was stronger than that. Yelled to myself that God made me for this. And convinced myself—time and time again—that God would pull me out of this. That He would do what's right. That in the palm of His hands would be the end of this battle. That in His hands would be my victory.

I've never been this exhausted. Never felt this depleted. All the words the world once offered me no longer meant anything. I spent 7-months reciting words that no longer provided comfort. 7-months of meaningless sentiments and empty promises. 7-months of expecting things to change. Of expecting some type of breakthrough. Of expecting this condition to get better. 7-months of fighting everyone, everything, even myself, with a hopeful heart of a better tomorrow. 7-months of pain in anticipation of healing. Of a future. Of God's promise.

7-months later and the same pain existed. I hadn't heard from Him. Hadn't seen Him. Barely experienced Him. God was working in the background when I wanted Him to be on the frontline. Have you ever had to fight a battle like that? It's like when you tell your parents you need help but they believe you're strong enough to push through. Why the hell does God think so highly of me?, I asked myself. He'd never leave me, I know. But over these last few months my sobs have drowned out the praise I used to keep myself lifted, and the pieces of my pain have spilled onto the space I used to pray. I couldn't figure out why I was in this battle, but I knew that if God wasn't going to take me out of it, then I would take myself out. I was going to exercise the only power I had and withdraw myself.

And that's exactly what I did. I removed myself from a 7-month battle that I never wanted to fight. A fight that I'm sure would've made me an even better woman, had I stuck it out. Had I been willing to set my limbs on fire and stay in this cave. But I couldn't, and I didn't. So I gave up my fight. Gave up my hope. Gave up everything I had; everything my fingertips were trying to clench onto. I put down every bit of armor still stuck to my body and threw the white flag. I surrendered. I gave up. I lost.

Yet, for some reason I feel more victorious now than I've felt in these last 7-months.

I'm learning that sometimes losing isn't all that bad. In fact, this loss liberated me. It set me free from a bondage I allowed to go on for too long. From guilt. From shame. From embarrassment. From hate. From anger. From uncertainty. From confusion.

Today I gave up on a 7-month battle. I ran out of endurance. Had no strength left. I had nothing to offer. The only thing left to take from me was the very bones that connected my infrastructure. I didn't fight for those bones at all. I pulled them apart myself and left them on the ground. I freed myself from the feeling of having to fight. And oddly enough, in doing so, I (finally) subconsciously gave the battle to God. Whatever He intends to do with it, He'll do. And, whatever level of defeat I have to stomach, I shall. Because I couldn't fight this battle any longer; I couldn't fight myself any longer. I could no longer battle my own well-being.

This freedom comes at the cost of defeat. But sometimes losing the battle is more rewarding than winning.

Perhaps, this is me winning.

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Christ

Pleasing to His Sight: Living to Make God Happy

9/26/2017

I sat on the couch reluctantly watching my cursor blink over the 'send' button. I was preparing to open a can that I had closed many years ago. A can I wasn't sure I wanted to open, but knew I had to; God charged me with this task.

As I read over my message my chest tightened. The fear of rejection overcame my body. I was sure I'd be ignored, laughed at, or even screenshot. I knew that in this moment I was far too late. There was no way to reconcile; no way to fix this. But as I stared at the cursor, still hovering over 'send' all I could think about was making God happy. I simply wanted to follow through with the task He assigned me to the night before. The task I thought I spent most of my day thinking about. I couldn't figure out why, but I knew what, and God simply wanted me to execute. So I did. I pressed send, exited out of my browser, and called it a night.

God's strategy never ceases to amaze me. In this moment, I knew that He was trying to make right a situation that I turned wrong six years ago. "Make God happy," I whispered to myself as I listened to my favorite gospel songs in an attempt to stay motivated. It was all I had to inspire me to not shut down my computer and go to sleep like I desperately wanted to. To actually press send on the message I composed 35 minutes prior, and spent 10 minutes re-reading. This message was the last bit of happy that I could offer God on this day, and I refused to end it without doing so.

Sometimes we feel that making God happy requires us to fill big shoes. We think that in order to please Him, we must be Jesus—or as close to Him as we can be. We aim for perfection and get discouraged when we don't quite make the mark. We feel the pressure of living up to seemingly unattainable standards. We have the burden [of not being perfect] weighing on us constantly; usually causing us to turn away from the pursuit, to spare us of our failure. The truth is, it's not as hard as it seems. God isn't asking for perfection, He is asking for an honest attempt. That's why the heart matters.

So I whipped open Facebook, wrote an apology message that I knew wouldn't be received, and exited out. My deed was done. My tears have been shed. That was enough obedience for one day.

On this walk, I'm realizing that you cannot control anyone's response to what God's commanded you to do. You cannot force them to understand your walk, or help you along the way. You can not require them to agree with what God has told you. All you can do is listen to God, be unashamed in doing so, and work diligently to be pleasing in His sight.

God doesn't tell us to be perfect beings; in fact, He knows we never will be. He simply tells us to be obedient to Him. To follow His direction. To listen to His commands. To trust in His way. To talk to Him. To honor Him. To walk in the power that He's given us. To repent when we've fallen short.

So when you live your day-to-day lives—responding to daily conflict and dealing with unavoidable frustrations—do so with God in mind. Before you react think about whether or not God would be pleased with your reaction. Before you comment, or speak, or judge anyone/anything think about what God would say to you. Think about whether He would frown or delight in you. Care less about how others will perceive you, and focus on how God will. Because your #1 goal each day, shouldn't be to feed your own ego, but to make God happy—always, in all ways.

I sent the Facebook message about two months ago; I still haven't received a response. That doesn't bother me, though. Instead, I'm hoping that, more important than anything, I received a smile from God.