Lessons From Love

The Greatest Love of All (Faith Lorde)

8/11/2017

It wasn't until my mid twenties that I formed a real heart’s desire to have a significant partner who would be my life partner, and husband. I was 26. And so I kept that near and dear in my heart and on my mind. Sharing it in prayer and having the belief that it will all come. And then I met him - the man I had literally dreamt about.

You were a dream manifested, except I wasn’t my own dream actualized yet and you had more dirt on you than a north jersey highway strip.

Everything was beautiful, we were in tune with each other, with ease. Even in the rocky storms, we rode out. Till one day we didn’t. You had other plans that didn’t involve me. So, like the Queen I am, i gave you the peace you chose, undisputed.

The lies we tell
The tears that swell
The thoughts that ache
The smile we fake
The joy we know
The growth we throw
The time we waste
The seed that bares
The tree that leaves
The dream that’s shared
It blows away into the day, across
the seas and lands on land my momma stands
She comforts me in my reality-I wish my womb never knew you.

I wrote this poem deep into the rollercoaster ride of what was my truth back then. I was beyond hurt. So what was a girl to do?! Did I want to spazz out on him, absolutely. What I did do was even better — be great and heal myself. This is what I call ascending into my own queendom. Nothing could take me out emotionally after that! I did self-care. Self-care saved my life. It saved my spirit, my light, my joy, and my capacity to love. I said affirmations, took beautiful baths, often, rose petals and warm scents and all. Changed my eating to majority alkaline, high frequency, living foods-the sweetest juiciest fruits, the greenest veggies, and lots and lots of water! I danced and sang with pure joy and passion. Girl, you woulda thought I was going on a tour soon lol. I enjoyed myself, I focused on myself, I went to God in deep prayer. My relationship with God went to new levels. You want a relationship? Get in an intense one with your Creator! With all of this I realized that I was loving myself in a new way. This version of me was stronger, wiser, grounded, focused on my purpose and free. And that is the woman I am today. The past is in the past.

One of my favorite things to do is to see my grandparents interact with each other. I'm thankful to be blessed to have grown up to see what a committed relationship looks like at different points in life. They are genuine friends, their playfulness melts my heart! I mean these folks are in their 80's now but they have young spirits. I learned from them that communication is key, forgiveness is key, personal time is key, a strong faith in God is key, laughing is key, and constant growth is key. Seeing the dynamics of their relationship through the highs and lows of life, helps me maintain a healthy perspective on love and relationships. They're not perfect, but they have a trust system and a rhythm established. Relationships are two people joining for a purpose and supporting the spiritual growth of the other, whether you know it or not. Some last briefly, some last for a period, and others are a lifetime journey. Receive the lessons and trust God that you'll be just fine.

The love I desire, I already have, it starts with God, with me, and everything else is a wonderful overflow of that love. I have a positive outlook on a life partner. But trust and believe:

I AM complete.
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Faith Lorde is a Connecticut native, an educator in elementary special education, and a student of African holistic healing and wellness. She has a passion and commitment to the purpose, pride, and progression of the black collective.

Honoring the collective voice of womanhood, the Lessons From Love series was created to provide a community of support for women currently in love, or healing from love. The series will use personal narratives + testimonies to empower women to make effective dating decisions and to pursue the love they rightly deserve. 

If you're interested in being a last minute contributor, submit your 700-1000 word piece to z@dearqueens.com. Please include your name, website (if applicable), and brief bio.

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Lessons From Love

Choosing the Covenant (Jasmine)

8/10/2017

If you had asked me at eighteen, I would’ve told you that I’d be ballin, married, and on my way to having 1.5 kids by twenty-five. Sitting here today at twenty-seven, all I can do is laugh at myself! Oh how my priorities were all mixed up. Oh how truly blissful ignorance is lol.

Today, while I’d still like to be ballin, I strive for financial stability. To live a debt free life instead of just focusing on income. My goal is to be #SavedAndPaid! Today, the thought of kids stresses out. Because 1. They are EXPENSIVE and 2. I’ve learned to embrace the freedom and time for growth that is your twenties. I still feel like I have a few years to be selfish! To buy plane tickets over diapers and choose girls trips over play dates. But of course I am thankful for the blessing that is my marriage (heart eyes). I became Mrs. Duff at age 26 and it took a lot of patience and maturity to get there.

When you hear the word marriage, some people think of this perfectly glamorous, fun filled day to show and celebrate your love. They fail to separate the covenant from the ceremony.

If you had asked me at eighteen, I would’ve told you that I’d be getting married on a beautifully sunny, 75 (ish) degree day. In a dress that fit better than Cinderella’s slipper and weave that made Pochahontas look bald. I’d have a crew of badd divas beside me and my hubby and I would dance the night away with our loved ones.

So when I tell people that I got married in my good friend’s living room…in a tank top and jeans with no bridesmaids, makeup, or wedding rings, they tend to look a bit confused.

“But I thought that ya’ll were saving up for a wedding. Why not just wait until you can have the day you want?” they say.

And then I get to blow their minds and respond, “I got exactly what I wanted!”

A man who loves me unconditionally
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25

A man who leads our household and me just as God is leading him
“But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 11:3

A man humble enough to serve me, just as Christ served the church
“Rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.” Philippians 2:7

A man who protects and provides
"Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” 1 Timothy 5:8

And a man who promises not to watch the next episode of our favorite tv series without me!

So what is it that I had “missed out” on?

Was our wedding any less of a ceremony because it had no fancy venue and I didn’t have on a dress? Were my feelings any less pure because I lacked something old, borrowed, and blue? Were our vows any less valid because there was no crowd to hear them?

NOT AT ALL! 

In fact, I consider our wedding day a representation of our maturity in Christ as a couple.

You see, on that day we chose to make covenant. Which is when two parties come together to make a contract, agreeing on promises, stipulations, privileges, and responsibilities. When both parties vow by oath, that each, having equal privileges and responsibilities, will carry out their assigned roles, the covenant is sealed.

This is what happens each and every time a couple stands before God and says “I do”. Whether they’re in a ballroom at the Ritz or at the courthouse with friends!

And for a while we struggled to fully accept this concept. We thought we were being responsible by choosing to wait until we could afford to have the ceremony of our dreams. But in choosing to wait for a day of broach bouquets and hearty buffets, we were conning ourselves out of the blessings of marriage.

For instance, the bible teaches that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor with the Lord. Wives are praised because of their noble character, wise words, blessed children, and orderly homes.

With time we came to realize that the logistics of a ceremony couldn’t define our love. The word says, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you” became our grounding scripture. Meaning if we chose to trust God and honor Him with our relationship, any material thing we wanted would be given to us in due season. We decided to prioritize our love over our situation. We decided to make a move against the odds of our former mindsets.

If you had asked me at eighteen, I would’ve told you that it’s okay to sit back and wait for your “moment”. I would’ve said that it’s okay to make a plan and move in with one another as long as your intentions are good. Today, at twenty-seven, I’d say you are only conning yourself out of the truth. You’re only stopping yourself from experiencing the fullness within God’s marital covenant.

It was Pastor John Gray who said, “The presence of a ring doesn’t make you a wife, the presence of your character makes you a wife”. So don’t let financial strains or the comforts of shacking lure you into a place of contentment in your relationship. If your love is true, and your hearts abide in God’s will, He will do exceedingly and above all you can ever ask, think, dream, or imagine for you and your spouse. Seek. Him. FIRST! And trust that He will honor is His covenant and provide, no matter the logistics of your ceremony.

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Jasmine Duff is a writer, speaker, and community organizer. A southern girl at heart, this Birmingham native is the founder of Season 26, a faith based ministry for millennial women. You can catch up with Jasmine at www.season26.com and on Instagram and Twitter @_season26.

Honoring the collective voice of womanhood, the Lessons From Love series was created to provide a community of support for women currently in love, or healing from love. The series will use personal narratives + testimonies to empower women to make effective dating decisions and to pursue the love they rightly deserve. 

If you're interested in being a last minute contributor, submit your 700-1000 word piece to z@dearqueens.com. Please include your name, website (if applicable), and brief bio. 

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Lessons From Love

A Decade's Worth of Love Lessons (Aundrea Murray)

8/08/2017

Have you ever felt like you weren't ready for something but a force kept pushing you into that direction anyway?

I tweeted that a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know what I was referring to exactly but I had a feeling. Something was changing and I couldn't put my finger on it.

I've always had attachment issues. My family knows it, my exes know it, my closest friends know it, and perhaps strangers know it when they see me in my tattered, “feel good clothes”.

Love is a difficult thing to form a healthy attachment to. I've failed at it many times before, each time feeling worse than the last. I've spent so many hours healing my heart after losing spouses, friends and jobs because I was that attached to them.

I've never had an issue with detachment though. If something isn't for me, my solution is always the same: walk away.

A conundrum, I know. I can let go of what no longer serves me but not before the treacherous process of analyzing what went wrong in the first place. You can imagine the amount of time I’ve wasted by over-thinking and stressing unnecessarily.

A mentor once told me though that in order to be successful at anything, you need to find what you're good at and what you're not good at.

I'm good at expressing love.

I’m not good at identifying love.

It took a handful of the same lessons for me to learn what my problem was. It wasn’t my attachment to love - it was my issue with realizing what love actually looks like.

It’s like trying to make a fake diamond look real.

I used to think that love looked obsessive. I thought that the more of yourself you revealed, the better you would be received.

I learned that your truth can make a lot of people uncomfortable. And when your truth looks too self-confident, too broken or simply too much to some people, their love can become less authentic.

I used to think that love sounded really loud. I thought that it needed to be shouted from the rooftops until it was ringing in your own ear.

I learned that often times the loudest love isn't really love at all. Love doesn't have a volume. It’s a vibration, a hum. It's felt even if you can't hear it.

I used to think that love felt paralyzing. I thought that it was supposed to stop you dead in your tracks before you tried walking away from it. I thought that if you tried to live without it, you'd fail.

I learned that love, genuine love, makes you feel the most free. You feel just as free to fall out of love as you do falling into it. There aren’t any boundaries or any barriers. Distance doesn’t taint it. Insecurity doesn’t weigh it down. It literally gives you wings.

I can't put a definition on love because it'll mean something different to everybody. When it’s good, you want that feeling to last forever. Sometimes you change how you walk, talk, and look because love is that inspiring. You start to forget what your life looked like before you had love that pure. You focus on how you can keep love like that alive, no matter what. I know what that’s like.

And if love turns bad, you slowly begin to reject it. Your attitude changes and your tolerance gets lower. You might feel jaded. Paranoid. Anxious. Suspicious. You’ll eventually question what love really is or what it really looks like. You lose sight of love altogether. I've been there as well.

If I could describe love however, I'd say that it's an involuntary emotion that once identified, can be distributed with ease. Love will feel like breathing. Love won't feel like you’re holding your breath for the right moment to share it.

My biggest lesson in love has been learning how to identify it, how to cultivate it and how to release it. Although I may not always be able tell a real diamond from a fake one, I'll always know how to show my appreciation, for there is a lesson in both. 

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Aundrea "Aundrama" Murray uses journalism as a tool to share her message. Through written word, poetry, and photography, Aundrama shares her story on her site, aundrama.com. She believes that her past is her best material. When she's not getting lost in her art, she's probably traveling somewhere avoiding sunken places on the internet. She appreciates every like, every comment, and every "Yes sis!". Her advice: Do it. P.S - She hates bios (no, she really does). 

Honoring the collective voice of womanhood, the Lessons From Love series was created to provide a community of support for women currently in love, or healing from love. The series will use personal narratives + testimonies to empower women to make effective dating decisions and to pursue the love they rightly deserve. 

If you're interested in being a last minute contributor, submit your 700-1000 word piece to z@dearqueens.com. Please include your name, website (if applicable), and brief bio.

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Lessons From Love

Lessons Marriage Taught Me (Whitney Cason)

8/03/2017

This year I will be celebrating my fifth year of marriage. Next year will be my tenth year of being with my husband altogether. I never thought I would find one person I could see myself with for the rest of my life; but despite the things we have been through, there is no one else in this world I could see myself going through this life with. 

One valuable lesson I can say I have learned in my relationship, and my experience in loving this man, is that love is not meant for those not willing to fight for it. Being in love is one of the toughest things I've endured. Love is unpredictable; it isn’t something that can be easily managed or maintained. It is the most complex emotion you can deal with, but it reaps some of the greatest rewards.

My love for my husband has not been perfect. We have been through hell and back over the years, but through it all, we continue to stand tall and weather the storms and come out stronger than before. We have a beautiful daughter together, and we constantly remind each other why we are married to one another. For all the tough times love puts you through, the beautiful times are just as plentiful. 

One thing we have had to do especially as a young married couple is keep God first in our marriage. It is important to continue to keep your marriage spiritually aligned with God, and if you can do that, He will not steer your wrong. My husband and I try daily to pray not only for ourselves and our family but especially for each other and the strength of our marriage.

Learning from my past relationships helped me to learn more about who I needed to be for my partner and what I needed in a relationship. Throughout the years of my husband and I being together, we literally had to grow up together. We experienced life and matured together. And through that process of becoming who we are as individuals, we learned how to beceme who we are as husband and wife. We had to learn together how to love one another and be better spouses to each other.

I learned that being open and honest about your expectations should be a priority in marriage. Going into that serious of a commitment without understanding your spouse’s expectations can lead to trust issues and miscommunication. Also, learning that expectations often change as you grow into your marriage, and you must communicate that with your spouse. Communication is key in any level of relationship. Without communication, a relationship cannot succeed.

If I could pass on any piece of encouragement as it pertains to relationships it would be this: be honest in your relationship. Be intentional in your feelings and your desires with someone’s heart. If you want to be with someone, let it be known and put forth the effort it takes to be with that person, but if you are not happy or do not want to be with that person, then let them go and give them the opportunity to find the happiness and love they seek, with someone who is willing to provide that to them. It is unfair to hold on to someone for the simple act of holding on to them, when you have no intention of doing right by their heart.

Love is something I have learned a lot about through my marriage. Six years ago, I made the choice to spend the rest of my life with the man I loved. I chose to make a commitment to love him despite his flaws — for better or for worse. You will experience some of those ‘worse’ moments, but ‘better’ will also come; and it will make it all worth the fight...worth the work...and worth the growth. 

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Whitney Cason is a young and vibrant writer of fiction, poetry and short stories.  She began blogging in early 2015 and currently maintains her own blog site, Write, Live and Love.  She is a recent two-time published author.  She currently works in the field of social work and lives in Hinesville, Georgia. with her husband Brandon, and her daughter, Kynnedy.

Whitney enjoys reading, writing, listening to music and spending quality time with her closest family and friends. Whitney Cason is also the creator of her own blog, writeliveandlove.com.

Honoring the collective voice of womanhood, the Lessons From Love series was created to provide a community of support for women currently in love, or healing from love. The series will use personal narratives + testimonies to empower women to make effective dating decisions and to pursue the love they rightly deserve. 

If you're interested in being a last minute contributor, submit your 700-1000 word piece to z@dearqueens.com. Please include your name, website (if applicable), and brief bio.

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Lessons From Love

Love is Still Love: A Letter

8/01/2017

Hey You,

I'm listening to John Legend's 'This Time' again this morning. I've listened to it every day for two months. It helps me release the sadness I feel from time to time. It soothes my rage. It calms my upset. I can't even believe I still have these feelings five months after the fact.

See this has been an emotionally draining season for me; you know I thank you for that. It's never easy ending anything with a man that you'd hoped to plan forever with. A man that you're not just in love with, but emotionally and spiritually connected to. A man you just knew was created for you — by divine confirmation. I don't know if you've ever experienced pain like that but I hope you never do.

I hated you when it happened. I thought you were too damn old to be unsure. To not have a plan. To still be going back and forth. I expected a lot out of you because of your age, because of the stage I felt you should have been in your life. Because of the growth I thought you should have had from the past long-term relationships you've had with other women you probably left broken. And, I was too damn faithful to God — even when I didn't want this relationship to work because you and I were too different and it was too hard for me to even want to continue — to be left on the floor of my bathroom crying myself to sleep.

I played the song again and cried. Unsure of how someone who was so adamant about protecting me — mind, body, and spirit — could be the one to hurt me the most. It's a weird complex; to know you cared, but still experience a heartbreak I didn't even want to imagine would happen. Not now. Not after all we gave; not after all the times we prayed.

I remember that evening like it was yesterday. I remember the revelation I had earlier that day, that the words you spoke you'd speak. I seen it all play out before it even happened; I just didn't think it would actually happen.

So John Legend's 'This Time' will be on replay until I'm fully healed. So I don't let hate fester. So I don't let the anger consume me. So I don't mistake my sadness, and confusion, and doubt, for anything other than what it is. 

I listen to this song with hopes that one day you'd be like John. Praying that one day you'd realize what God was really trying to say — what He was really trying to do. Wondering if you'd be led right back like I know He planned. I wrestle with myself on whether or not I'd actually take you back; whether we'd have a future like the one we started crafting in our heads. Whether the story would end like John's or if we'd have an ending of our own.

Every time I hear this song and envision whatever may come of our future, I'm reminded that this love was real. That it still is real, and that there's no amount of anger, pain, or heartbreak that could change that. I know now, that just because it's over doesn't mean the love is too. That was a lesson I had to learn myself. It took a lot of compassion for your upbringing and the way you digest and resolve problems for me to recognize that. It took a lot of journeying to understand that just because a relationship ends, doesn't mean the love does too. It took a lot out of me to stop avoiding the reality that the love is still there. That the reason I'm still hurting isn't because I hate you, but because I still love you. It took five months for me to realize that real love can't be erased as easy as movies and breakup songs want us to believe; that the effects of it are long lasting. That real love is everlasting. 

Love is still love. No matter how hard it hurts, how much it aches, or how painfully it stings, it will always be love. I've learned that I cannot suppress it for the sake of getting better. I cannot hide its impact in my life and who it's helped me become. Love has transformed me from the inside out. Just because it escaped me, doesn't mean it never existed. It doesn't mean it's not still existing.

And for that I'm grateful. For the lessons from this love and the realization of its forever, I'm grateful. For the love itself and the ways in which it lit up my life, I'm grateful. And no matter how much it hurts, I'd do it over again with you. Because I love you with all that I had, and I probably always will.

Sincerely,
Z. 

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Honoring the collective voice of womanhood, the Lessons From Love series was created to provide a community of support for women currently in love, or healing from love. The series will use personal narratives + testimonies to empower women to make effective dating decisions and to pursue the love they rightly deserve. 

If you're interested in being a last minute contributor, submit your 700-1000 word piece to z@dearqueens.com. Please include your name, website (if applicable), and brief bio.

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