love

The Grace to Love

2/07/2016

He got up from the table and walked to the bathroom. She looked around as time passed; no bathroom break should take this long. She wondered if she got up, would the waiter think she was trying to dash. Should she pull out her wallet and pay for the meal? Should she check outside to see if her date left. Seven minutes later the hostess walked to the table with a gift bag full of goodies, celebratory balloons and her favorite flowers: tulips. Mouth wide and surprised, he walked back to the table smiling. Drenched by the pouring rain. I suppose the bathroom was the least of his worries.

Love. 

The same love people drool over. The love people see on Instagram memes and drowned by #relationshipgoals comments. The same one that's flooding photos of couples graduating college and pursuing their professional endeavors together.

The same love, that the night before was filled with attitudes and irritation. Love that wanted to cuss and yell, but instead laid down and went to sleep after soft kisses. Forced "pack your pride away, I love you anyway" kisses. The love that prayed away the frustration. The love that hasn't always been this way but has become increasingly fruitful.

That simple kind of love you read about in stories and hear about in songs. 

We want that love. We want to experience the beauty and favor of an unconditional love. A sacred love. A God-led love. But instead there's another night of angry tears. Another argument. Anther phone smashed against the wall. Fuming. Upset. Discouraged.

You yelled each other's flaws at the top of your lungs like that'd make them go away. Like telling your partner how much you hate their imperfections would encourage them to change. Communication isn't your strong point. It's where you struggle most. Accepting each other is a close second.

Only it shouldn't be. You shouldn't be clinging on to life to find joy or acceptance in your partner's imperfections. You shouldn't have to struggle to find lessons in the varying situations of your relationship. It should come naturally. Not forced like those "let me get over my attitude" kisses, but free flowing like the wedding dress you dreamt of wearing since you were a little girl. Because everyone deserves love, and every love deserves grace. 

GRACE. The free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and bestowing of blessings. GRACE: free and unmerited favor. We receive that from God every time we wake. It's through His grace that we're forgiven, saved and loved. It's through His grace that we can run to Him over again and be healed, blessed and reconstructed. It's through His grace that true love is experienced. But do you offer that same grace to your partner?

Do you have the grace to love? Do you have the ability and willingness to let go of the flaws of your partner and love them through it? Do you have the capacity to free yourself from your judgmental thoughts and welcome your partner as the work-in-progress they are? Can you step outside of yourself to honor someone who may not always be on your good side? 

Having the grace to love is to provide your partner with the free and unmerited favor that God provides to you. It's the selfless acceptance of the flaws you once argued about. It's your generosity and kindness toward them when you feel they least deserve it. It's the selfless demonstration of loyalty and comfort, for nothing in return. Grace is free. There's nothing they've done to receive it. It's not given in return for something you've taken. It's the conscious decision to freely provide it. Your free-willed willingness to love, forgive and trust.

Having the grace to love is to reach to the deepest part of your heart and to pull out all you have. To show all your cards and all your kindness. It's to pour into others when they may not yet have anything to pour into you. It's to forgive them for unknowingly leaving you empty. It's to love someone through their flaws and their circumstance. It's to be a light, not darkness.

GRACE: free and unmerited favor. 

Many of us have done nothing to deserve love. But you having the grace to love and giving it anyway will give someone else the courage to pull it out of themselves and return it. It'll allow someone - who otherwise wouldn't have - to dig deep and pull out pure love for you. Having the grace to love, is the first step for the fulfilling, fruitful love you're seeking, and an important step for sustaining it. 

Having the grace to love is what builds your foundation and upholds the house you're working to build. 

Because everyone deserves love, and every love deserves grace. 

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Self Celebration: Happy One Year, DEAR QUEENS!

2/03/2016

"Do something that celebrates you," I was told as I made my morning green tea. I added a little agave nectar, lemon juice and a dash of cinnamon. It became my morning go-to as I weened off of Dunkin Donuts' hot chocolate. Tea along with the morning conversations in the kitchen became my routine. 

"Do something that celebrates you." I wrestled with that idea all day. As great as it sounded, I battled with its appropriateness. I can't celebrate myself. I have to celebrate my readers. My supporters. My traffic driving viewers. After all, it was you that got me here. Your love. Your comments. Your views. I should be thanking you, not tooting my own horn.

DEAR QUEENS is for you. I've said that since it began. This is your outlet, not mine. This is your guide, not mine. This is for me to communicate with, help and develop you. This one year anniversary should be about you, not me.

I spent days thinking about what to write. Who to thank, what to share. How to incorporate my new blogger friends and the connections I've made into this valiant, extraordinary, one year brand-aversary post. Things that would highlight how you all helped me win two Black Weblog Awards, provide 18 homeless women with self-care kits, how you've either featured my writing or my website on yours, how you've acknowledged my passion for this and asked me to be a mentor to you or others around you, how you've shared my page and posts with those you're closest to and those furthest away. All of that - every last bit of that - made my longevity possible. It made my consistency possible. It made this small, yet important milestone for me possible.

"Do something to celebrate yourself." Because, I also made this possible. Because sometimes we deserve to be celebrated; sometimes we have to celebrate ourselves. Because sometimes, it's okay to toot our own horn. Because DEAR QUEENS wouldn't have been birthed if I hadn't had the courage to say "Yes" when God spoke to me that hot May afternoon in my secret place. My quiet place. My place of peace. Because had I never purchased the domain name and written my first post, someone would have missed that one thing they needed to read. That one thing I was able to provide. 

"Do something to celebrate yourself." Because the bravery it took to do this - to maintain this - deserves to be acknowledged. Because the effort it took to eliminate self-doubt is worth being honored. Because DEAR QUEENS - and its creator - deserves to be celebrated.

So while this entire blog couldn't have made it without you, it couldn't have made it without me either. Today, this honor, this post, this celebration goes out to me. Myself. Z. Zoe. This goes out to my courage and obedience. My vulnerability and openness. My love and lessons. My late nights with wine and not-so-late nights with unpublished posts. To my drafts. To my e-mail newsletters. To my t-shirt line. To my own life being changed. This goes out to my desire to simply relish in the glory of God's work in me. To excite myself in the joy of what will come in this next year. To honor the work thus far and prepare for the work to come. 

This post goes out to the events that will be planned this year. The connections that will be made. The friendships that will be built. It goes out to the much that will be required for the much that I'll receive. It goes out to the words that'll be typed this year, and the words that I'm typing now. It goes out to God's presence filling my living room every Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and whenever else I decide to write. It goes out to my safe space. To the fact that He communicated this new spiritual secret place to me, while being in my carnal secret place.

This post goes out to the lives I've changed and the ways I've managed to change my own. To my increased faith. To my improved satisfaction. It goes out to the many things I've learned while trying to teach others. To the trial and error. To the heartbreak and sad songs. To the gospel that filled my apartment. To the scriptures I couldn't have made it without. To falling asleep listening to T.D Jakes podcasts. To waking up to tears dried on my cheeks. To the pain and hurt and struggle. To all of it being the fuel for my happiness.

It goes out to you too - because I obviously couldn't leave you completely out.  To your willingness to consume all of me being poured onto these pages and in these blog posts. To your openness for listening to me babble. To your shares and retweets. To your comments and feedback. To your friendliness and love. To your excitement for me. To your understanding for this celebratory post being dedicated to me. 

And Stefanie, this post goes out to you for reminding me of the importance of celebrating myself.

While I may have ironed out how to write this post, I'm still trying to figure out what exactly to do for this one year. Perhaps DEAR QUEENS making it to one year is all the celebration I need.  

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3 (Non-Tangible) Things That Got Me Through Year One

1/31/2016

Making it through year one wasn't hard, per se, but it was certainly a challenge. Between my own thoughts, my over consumption with numbers and my indecisiveness between host platforms, year one of DEAR QUEENS has certainly been a ride. I walked into it expecting that. I went into it telling myself to enjoy the ride, to embrace the journey. And that I did. These three things, though, have undeniably pushed me to new levels, forcing me to look at myself, my vision and my passions. They challenged me to grow deeper than I'd ever imagined.

God's guidance: when you ask God to lead, you better be ready to follow. I hopped in the car and he dropped the top before we even approached the highway on ramp. We took off. Together. He let me drive. He held the GPS. Together we coasted. We swirved around potholes and charged at speed bumps like they were nothing. Together. We did this together. His guidance guided me through some of the toughest decisions and some of the most amazing projects I never thought of doing. He led me to websites and to connect with other bloggers. Bloggers as passionate about empowerment and spiritual development, as myself. God was there. We did it. Together. and without not only His presence, but His guidance, I wouldn't have accomplished nearly any of the amazing things I was about to in this last, 362 days of DEAR QUEENS.

Prayer: because when my peace and pride were at war with each other, the only thing left was prayer. Talking to God - as upset, frustrated, broken hearted, uncertain, insecure and imperfect as I was in my life and in this purpose - provided the greatest calmness. Feeling Him listening assured me that I wasn't alone in this, no matter how often I felt I was. Prayer helped me put my emotions into words on the days the emotions became overbearing. Prayer helped me find my voice, before I knew I'd lost it. It helped me determine my niche before anyone else could assign one to me. It aligned me with people who'd push me, promote me, support me and pray for me harder than I could myself. And it got rid of those who meant no good; those whose half belief I didn't need. Prayer was the driving force of this entire brand, even before it was launched. Shoot, it was through prayer that February 3, 2015 became the date. Prayer got me through everything in my life that had the power to deter me from this dream; this vision; this assignment. Prayer kept me standing. Prayer keeps me standing.

Unhappiness: as weird as this may sound, my dissatisfaction reminded me of exactly what I need to be doing. Every time I walked into the doors of a job I despised, and dealt with projects and assignments that didn't make my heart jump, I came home and wrote. I came home and strategized. I came home and asked for more. More fulfillment. More guidance. More in this assignment. My unhappiness inevitably lead to the consistency of this blog (and brand). The constant reminders that that job - nor any job - was not why I was created. That my only true purpose on this here earth is DEAR QUEENS. My unhappiness reminded me of that every time I cuddled up on the couch crying into the fabric of my yellow fleece blanket, or the arms of the man with the white t and the great cologne. Unhappiness was the motivator every time I sat with my brother and strategized how to make this work. How to make this grow. How to make this lucrative. While I find joy in all things, my ultimate happiness stems from my ability to do this. To write. To inspire. To fill women up. My unhappiness taught me that. My unhappiness pushed me to the edge until I was tired enough to leap into faith. Having no following, and 2 supporters, my unhappiness pushed me to launch DEAR QUEENS. To step out and let God use me. To open myself up enough to be His scribe. No matter how vulnerable I'd be, or how inexperienced I'd seem. My unhappiness forced me to go for it. To be fulfilled. To seek fulfillment. And, to maintain that fulfillment.

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NOTICE: In honor of my 1 year brand-aversary, I'm having a giveaway! Refer your friend to subscribe to DEAR QUEENS' routine motivation, and you + the subscriber receive a chance to win DEAR QUEENS merchandise! Send them to this link http://eepurl.com/beVpxT to subscribe and you'll automatically be entered. 

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5 Hidden Gems from Year One

1/29/2016

I never thought that in inspiring others, I'd inspire myself. In the moment I was writing for you - my reader. To encourage you out of whatever pit you may have fallen into. To get you out of your funk and to remind you that there is far more to life than your right now. Interestingly enough, the words I used to pour into you, fed me months later. The words I hoped to restore your life, repaired mine; they tugged at my chords and tied together loose ends. These are just some of the gems that I needed to realize and/or release in order to be pushed to new heights.

"So don't let your abandoned road and the lonely climb deter you from what you truly desire. Don't let anyone else's inability to understand your vision or see your dreams pull you away. You'll be great no matter what. And while at some point it may just be you and God, you'll learn to be okay with that."from The Climb is Lonely  

"The beauty is that you get to choose what you do with this moment. You get to either wish it away, or while in it. You can decide whether to bask in its glory or quickly dismiss it. You can use this moment to heed its lessons, or use it to hope it'd pass as quickly as it arrived. The beauty is that this moment is yours and you could do with it what you please." from You'll Never Have This Moment Again

"I was stuck in the middle of the fire, hearing my yells echo against cement walls. I heard my sobs bounce around the space, tormenting me. I was in the middle of a 150 degree tunnel, with no air, and had no idea how much longer it'd be before I was rescued. What we often forget, though, is that the deeper you go into a tunnel, the closer you get to its exit." from There's An End to Every Tunnel

"Had I stayed away from boys like I was instructed to, I would've never had to hold onto God. I would've never had to reach for His hand in my darkness. I would've never had to cry out to Him for help. I would've never been covered by his grace. Had I never been peeled back to my core, I wouldn't have ever known what it was like to be brand new. To be re-assigned. To be made whole again. " from Boys Ain't Nothing But Trouble

"Don't hurt. Don't be afraid, and please don't seek comfort in the cocoon you intentionally outgrew as you sought to become a butterfly. Don't backtrack or regret any bit of the decisions you've made when you got your wings. Don't fester on the pain from the last time you fell - out of the sky, or in love. You're still a butterfly and you're still very able to fly. Even if you are only human." from Butterflies Don't Build Walls

BONUS - My Five Favorite Posts from Year One: 

Where Will You Go?There's A Letter in the Mail
The Strongest Woman I Know
The Closer, The Better
Gon' Get Your Dreams Back 

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NOTICE: In honor of my 1 year brand-aversary, I'm having a giveaway! Refer your friend to subscribe to DEAR QUEENS' routine motivation, and you + the subscriber receive a chance to win DEAR QUEENS merchandise! Send them to this link http://eepurl.com/beVpxT to subscribe and you'll automatically be entered. 

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7 Lessons I Learned in Year One

1/27/2016

The anniversary of DEAR QUEENS is exactly one week away. I can't believe it! 

When launching this brand, I had no idea what I was doing or what it would turn into. It was laid on my heart, so I did it. I planned and launched and wrote. Wrote like my sanity depended on it - often times it did. Wrote like your sanity depended on it. Through this journey, I learned quite a bit. Things about myself, spirituality, and you - the reader. Here are just seven of the many lessons I've learned in this first year. 

Quality over quantity. I've never been much of a numbers person. Ironically when I entered into this arena I seemed to be overwhelmed with reader stats and social media follows. I quickly realized that numbers are no real indication of inspirational effectiveness. In that same regard, the number of posts you have says nothing about the quality of your content. Content quality matters more than the amount of content you have. Timeless content. Content that will make a friend want to tell a friend. Content that'll make people want to revisit; that'll make them want to copy and paste it to their iPhone notes so they can read whenever they need it. Content that people will want to apply to their lives. Content that they can relate to. 20 posts of mediocre content will never trump 5 good, strong, meaningful ones.

People are watching. I wrote about that 6 months ago, and I'm writing about it again; because they are. They are watching, following and taking notes. They are listening, hearing and visiting. People around you are paying attention, whether they express that or not. People will come up to you in the workplace and commend you for things you had no idea they knew about. But just like they're watching and waiting to applaud you, they're also watching and waiting for the slip up. People are paying attention, and that's both the most reassuring and most frightening bit of it all.

Your purpose doesn't need you, it needs God. Whatever it may be, your purpose needs less of you and more of God. He's the one that aligns it all. The one that plans everything and organizes the pieces to fit perfectly. He's the one that should lead your actions. There is nothing that you do, in your purpose, that should not come from God. You are merely the servant. The worker. He is the Creator. The Planner. The Strategizer. The Boss. I never realized that before this. Partly because this has been the first year of my life, that I felt like I was on the right path. It's been the only thing that I could stand behind with confidence that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Nothing that has come of this blog is of me. Not the writing, the apparel, nor the podcasts. Not the book project, nor the events I plan to host. It's all God. It's all of what He's been pouring into me. He's here to guide me through all that I need to do; I'm simply here for execution. Recognizing that early on allowed me to empty my cup enough to be filled with Him, His word and His vision for this brand. That's one of the most fulfilling lessons of the seven. 

Life happens. Over and over and over again. Posts don't get finished, events get canceled, e-mails don't get sent. Some things are more urgent than others, other things aren't urgent enough. Some things just need to be written on the day of at the last hour. Some events need to be planned in one week. Some e-mails, sent out right after the twitter chat you just found out about 2 minutes prior. Not all things can be planned for or scheduled. Embracing that level of uncertainty and allowing room for flexibility, is part of the game. Starting a blog doesn't make you immune to life; it simply allows you a space to share it with others.

You cannot compare your journey to someone else's. Well, because your journey isn't someone else's. It's yours. What they write about and you write about are different. The experiences are different. The perspective is different. You have no idea where they've been or what they've gone through to achieve the success they've reached. Your journey is your own, and where they are will not affect where you're set to go. Stop worrying about them and focus on your own road. You'll never get to your destination trying to drive on their route. 

Leave fear at the do'. This is where you imagine me cocking my head to the side with a 27-piece quick weave. The digital space is no place for fear. Putting yourself at the mercy of millions of people that gain confidence from sitting behind a computer screen is frightening. It's nerve wrecking. It's scary. But this space is no place for that fear. People will talk and you'll have absolutely no control over what they say. What you will have control over is how you respond. How you continue to push through whatever thoughts they may have - good or bad. How you will log back in and write your next completely vulnerable, opinionated or controversial post. It comes with the territory. But it's your territory and you cannot be afraid to own it. This is your life. It's your dream. It's your purpose. Leave that fear at the gateway.

This is bigger than me. This is about your lives'. It's about encouraging women to become their best selves. It's about uplifting women in their worth. It's about empowering them through love. It's about praying for them when they cannot pray for themselves. It's not about what I want to write about, but what women need to hear. DEAR QUEENS is more than just me. It's more than a blog site. It's more than words on a website. It's about connecting with the women God is holding me accountable for, and somehow aiding in their betterment. Whether it's through the words on this page or through phone conversations. DEAR QUEENS has grown, in its first year, to something I would have never expected. This blog...this little blog... has truly become a digital brand that I'm proud to have my name on. A brand that launched an apparel line 3 months after it's introduction to the world. A brand that launched podcasts a few months after that. A brand that's working on book projects and event planning. A brand that won two awards. A brand that has people far and wide commenting, sharing and getting their life from. DEAR QUEENS is bigger than the expression of myself and the recurrences of my life. It's bigger than what I had hoped for. And this next year - and the lessons it will bring - will be even bigger. 

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NOTICE: In honor of my 1 year brand-aversary, I'm having a giveaway! Refer your friend to subscribe to DEAR QUEENS' routine motivation, and you + the subscriber receive a chance to win DEAR QUEENS merchandise! Send them to this link http://eepurl.com/beVpxT to subscribe and you'll automatically be entered. 

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