life

You're Already There

1/18/2016

I finished another chapter, closed Pages, and logged into DEARQUEENS.com. This site right here. It was time to load up the Buffer; something I hadn't done in so long. I began sifting through some timely and relevant posts I could share on my Twitter and Facebook accounts. I began looking through the posts for some great one-liners. Something that would captivate my social media audience enough to click the auto-generated link leading to a site with splashes of love and spiritual development.

Searching for one-liners turned into reading entire posts. Some 500 words, some 700. I turned off my gospel music to allow my mind to focus. I read. And read. And read some more. Minutes passed before I realized I was 13 posts in and amazed at my work. My words. When did I learn to write like this?! This couldn't have been what I published six months ago. No way! It didn't read this well when I fought myself to post this. I know this wasn't the piece I opted not to share on Twitter. Couldn't be!

But it was. The very posts that I was most nervous about back then, seemed like genius to me now. The words flowed. The analogies made sense. It seemed like a different writer. That wasn't Z. And it wasn't Zoe. Who the heck penned these beautiful words and shared this beautiful lesson?

But, again, it was. It was me. With a touch of Christ. It was me who spilled those words onto this site to share with the masses. It was me who that lesson happened to. It was me who hit "publish" after struggling between "delete" and "draft". Me. And I was amazed. Because at the time of writing that, I was terrified. I thought the content was awful. I needed more practice. More time. I knew it wouldn't compare to not 'nyaan' one of the other amazing blog posts I've read from others. There were some amazing writers in this blogosphere and I wasn't one of them. Not yet.

But, I was. And looking back I see that. I get excited all over again at the journey I've tried to embark on to create in me an amazing blogger, before I realized I already was one. I already had great content to share and lessons to teach. I was already spewing realness from my fingertips. I didn't need a new journey to do that. I was already there.

You don't need a journey, either. You're already there. You've already been through enough to be able to pour into someone else's life. That's why God brought you there - to your purpose, your dream; to tap into your gifts. You already have everything you need to inspire and uplift those around you. 

The fear you have is because you know your power. You know that when you hit publish, or step on that stage, you will be it. You will be out there. In the eye. Creating change in the lives of others. You're fearful because you have the power to change someone's life. You don't take that lightly. But you don't need a new journey to make that happen. You're already doing it. You're already there. And the anxiety and nervousness you're experiencing is from that overwhelming power bubbling in the pit of your stomach. It's from the responsibility you have for making someone better that's tingling in your spirit. It's the accountability you're willing to take for those God has assigned to you.

I read my posts, from beginning to end. The words flowed so beautifully. And many of them changed my life again, for the second time. Because the first time I wasn't confident enough to receive them properly. But this time, this time I know their worth. I know yours too. You're powerful beyond your own understanding. And you think you have to embark on a journey to become more - to be enough - before you fill the lives of others. But you don't. You're already ready. You're already prepared. And if you get out of your own way enough to hit "publish", record that audio, or get on that stage, you'll see that too. 

---

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Marianne Williamson

• 0 Comments

• Share:

Black Girl Magic

Sorry Elle Magazine, #BlackGirlMagic is Real

1/13/2016

Not only was Elle Magazine's recent post about #BlackGirlMagic a disservice to black women, it was a disservice to the magazine that constantly appropriates black culture. Because knotty knots (bantu knots) and cornrows have never been your thing. 

What the writer failed to understand - or at least capture - is that #blackgirlmagic isn't about trying to appear superhuman, or invincible to life's occurrences, but it's our self-affirmation that despite these occurrences we are still powerful. It's a reminder that regardless of the mess constantly being thrown at us, this article included, we are here. We rise above every fire our black bodies are thrown into and come out alive. Thriving. Strengthened. So when we talk about #blackgirlmagic, we're often times talking about that resilience. That dedication to being more than the terrible portrayals on television or in movies. More than just the culture being stolen from us and put on magazines as "trends". More than just brown skinned and loud-mouthed.

#Blackgirlmagic is self-appreciation. It's not about constricting ourselves into the "strong black woman" mold, but about freeing ourselves from our day-to-day oppression. #Blackgirlmagic is our constant reminder that we are beautiful, resilient, powerful, gifted, worthy and with purpose - all things we wouldn't hear otherwise.

So black girl, despite what Elle Magazine or the white woman up the street says, we are magical. Not because we're superhuman but because in spite of all the evil being fed to our spirit, we still shine. We still light the way for many young black girls whose only image of blackness is the negative media they consume. We're magical because we continue to assert our power, despite how powerless society tends to make us feel. We're magical because our bold brown eyes are seeing visions and our brown fingertips are implementing them. We're magical because we continue to fight, no matter how many fists have battered our bloodied bodies we won't ever stop swinging. We're magical because we've changed the course of history with our resilience and strength when racial tensions were at its peak in this country. We're magical because we're willing to get up and do the grunt work when it's most important. When no one else wants to do it. We're magical because no matter how many articles are written or words are said that tear us down, we still find strength to stand up. To be bold. To be heard. To make it...without privilege. We're magical because no matter how hard they try, we won't let anyone steal that from us, and when they say "black girls aren't magical" we bind together and exclaim: YES WE ARE!

Society has stripped us of many things: our sons and husbands, our culture, even our lives, but you will not strip us of our magic.

Linda, just because you don't feel magical, doesn't mean we shouldn't.

• 0 Comments

• Share:

Christ

You Cannot Serve Two Masters

1/03/2016

I watched TD Jakes sermons last night as I forcefully wiped my eyes. (And by last night I mean, last week, as I'm so late publishing this post). It was another day I found myself on the couch with a tear soaked blanket, desperately holding on to what was left of my sanity; of my hope; of my faith.

I needed a divine word and this was just the man to give it. I listened intently, ready to chew up the meat and spit out the bones. Only it was all meat - and it all resonated with me. 

TD said something that stuck with me so heavily, I couldn't do a thing but drop to my knees and confess my own guilt. 

"You weren't obedient to God. You were obedient to the idolatry of what you had in mind." Whoa! Say wha' now, Bishop?! 

"You didn't worship God, you worshipped what you had in mind. You didn't serve God, you wanted God to serve you," he continued. 

How many times have you excitedly served God because you liked the purpose He showed you? The vision excited you, so you unhesitatingly provided sacrifices and decided to live in a more Godly manner. You wanted what He showed you, so you listened. You were obedient to what you wanted, not the God who was providing it. 

You didn't care much to establish a firm relationship with God, nor were you as concerned with being righteous as you were focused on getting that amazing thing/love/purpose He showed you. You didn't want God, you wanted that thing. 

We get so lost in the idea of what we have in mind, based on what God has shown us, that we begin worshipping the vision instead of the God. We forget to serve Christ with pure hearts, and start to serve Christ so He can serve us. We become arrogant and proud for the gift, instead of the giver. It's not the gift that deserves the glory, but the giver. It's not the purpose that deserves praising, it's the provider. 

We forget that in order to get the gift we have to obey the giver. We have to listen and receive the giver and His plan. We ignore the fact that this grand purpose - the one we loved so much we put it first and God second; the one that somehow became our master - is attached to His plan. We forget that this plan won't be a short pathway through a bed of roses, but a journey. It'll be daunting, and hard and sometimes emotionally draining. We want so much, to skip the plan and get straight to the purpose. We love it so much, that we don't care a thing about serving God through the journey, we just want to get our hands on the finished product. We want to skip the middle and get straight to the end. We grow weary when we realize the purpose won't be as easy to obtain as it seemed to be in the vision. We even have the nerve to get upset when He makes us take the scenic route when we begin to worship the created instead of The Creator. We don't want to serve God - we don't want to fight temptation, be comforted through our mourning, be strengthened through our adversity, be purified and fixed up, nor be persecuted for our righteousness - we just want that purpose He showed us. We just want to be served what was promised. 

Are you sacrificing for God only when it's for a vision you like? 
Do you pray to God only for the purpose you hope to come true? 
Are you obedient to God, only so you can reap the benefits of what He's shown you? 
Do you want the purpose to fall in your lap, without enduring trials along the way?
True servitude is about trusting God through all things - even when the plan doesn't seem to be going as you planned. It's enduring when God's bright purpose seems halted by trouble. It's walking in the dark and following God's voice when you can't seem to find a flashlight. Servitude is about being the servant, not being served. 

You cannot serve what you want and serve God at the same time. "...he will either hate one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other" (Matthew 6:24). You will not have His will bestowed upon your life by doing what you want to do. You cannot desire His purpose and deny His plan. When you serve God, you must serve God - not the plan you want to see happen or the worldly person you think can help you get that plan. When you're a servant, you can't expect to be served. It's not about you or your desires, it's about God. 

It's time to place the giver on a higher plateau than you've been placing the gift. It's time to praise the provider harder than you praise what's provided. It's time to begin serving God, and God alone. 

"Seek ye first the kingdom of righteousness, and all things will be added unto you." 

• 0 Comments

• Share:

Happy New Year

2016

12/31/2015

I ripped out pages and cut out words. I wrote down goals and crossed them out. It was time for my annual vision board party of 1. With the way this year ended, it was the last thing I wanted to do - but seeing how it's shaped such great years since i began, I decided to swallow my pride and hurt feelings and get to it. I cut everything I wanted to use to encourage and inspire me in this new year. Because more important than any resolution is my commitment to positive energy.

I don't want to wish anything away or fill my thoughts with things I'll only truly commit to doing in the first two weeks of January. 2016 isn't about tangible goals for me. It's about creating a true, lasting change. It's about doing what I've never done before. It's about attaining the power needed to do for me, what no one else can. It's about digging within and pulling the inner most me to the forefront. 

My 2016 will be about freedom. It'll be about me breaking free from the bondage these past 26 years of life placed upon me, and fearlessly unbuckling these shackles. It's about leaving fear, doubt, worry, discontentment and envy right here in 2015. Right here on this page. It's about being cleansed and purified to be used wholly (holy). It's about unleashing the Christ hidden within me. The Christ that's been nestled uncomfortably underneath pride and ego, next to the last piece of my broken heart and the Bible scripture I forgot to recite before making bad decisions. 

My 2016 is about diving into this freedom. It's about choosing freedom. It's about ushering it into my life wrapped in a blanket of peace and happiness. It's about keeping that blanket so tightly wrapped that nothing can force these things out or away. It's about enjoying the 15th, 16th and 22nd day of the year, on its day and not before or after. It's about living in the now more than I ever have. Embracing each moment to create lasting memories. 

My 2016 is about development - not in the form of tangible things or accomplishments but soulfully. It's about planting seeds and nurturing them enough to bloom. It's about giving birth to a new woman - a better woman. It's about battling the things prohibiting me from doing so, and winning. 2016 is about winning. 

My 2015 was about purpose. It was about launching this here blog, trademarking this here brand, and finding a professionally fulfilling job. It was about listening to God's word and achieving all that He told me to. It was about fearlessly being led to the next part of my life. It was about floating from one goal to the next until my to-do list was entirely checked off and I could proudly spout my resume during networking events and on Facebook statuses. 

But my 2016 isn't about goals, or things or dollars. It isn't about projects, or jobs or people. It's about me. It's about not letting these things keep me locked in a cage any longer. It's about freeing myself, my mind and my spirit. It's about emptying myself of the lies, hurt, inadequacies, mistakes and sin of 2015 and being filled up anew. It's about being whole in my flaws and in the things I may not accomplish. It's about being content in my this-is-too-hard and I-don't-want-to-be-here moments. It's about allowing my cup to run over with love I may not deserve. It's about letting life happen the way it will, and embracing it as it comes. It's about welcoming the good and the bad. It's about feeling as complete to myself as I seem to others; it's about freeing myself enough to be able to. It's about breaking these chains. It's about me. It's about freedom. It's about joy. 

My 2016 comes with no resolution. Those shackles are coming off tonight. 

• 0 Comments

• Share:

#TEATIME

Obedience and Anger: This Week in One Tale

12/23/2015

I'm upset with God. I'm disappointed in Him and my faith is wavering. The nerve of me, right? As contradictory as it may seem - me being part faith-based blogger and all - I just can't seem to erase my human voice from this post. Because being human is all I have right now and I have to hold on to what's left of me. 

I did all I could to listen. To be obedient. To surrender my pride and do things God's way. When I first received His revelation last October, I was determined to make it come to pass. I was determined to live in a way that would manifest this grand purpose He had planned for my life. I was working as tirelessly on that as I had done for this blog that was laid on my heart in May 2014. I was determined to make sure I did all I could in Christ, to fulfill the purpose in that revelation. 

So I did. I set out to be in full obedience, and while a few times I met the ground, God dealt with me. He brushed me off, spanked me on the butt and told me to fall back in line. 

Fall back in line. 

So I did; I got back up and fell back in line. I knew that at the other side of the constant turmoil I was experiencing, would be this worthwhile promise. This prosperous, joyous promise. This promise He showed me.

Only it wasn't. 

On the other side of my constant turmoil, was even bigger turmoil. Turmoil that I hadn't once seen in the vision of promise He laid upon me last October. So here I was, fighting for dear life to ensure this purpose came to fruition, when on the other end, it never would. God broke His promise. He erased the vision. He gave me a false revelation and clearly my obedience meant nothing to Him. 

Did God lie to me? 

I handled the blow like any 'strong' woman would at the time: emotionless. I gathered my belongings, packed my bag and left - both literally and figuratively. I was done. It was done. And to save myself from any more time, embarrassment and pain I placed shades upon my face and bolted to the door. 

How could God lie to me? God doesn't lie. Why would He do this? How could He do this? 

I put all my work into making this work for His kingdom - despite my own worldly reservations, expectations and standards. I ignored myself and listened to God because I was supposed to. I was supposed to surrender to His will! I was supposed to fight for my territory! And all those times I'd fallen, I was supposed to get back up and try again! He told me to! 

So why was my obedience showing meek results? Why was my obedience not good enough? And why had my obedience not rendered the results that were promised? 

I'm upset with God. And no matter how many scriptures I pray or how many prayers I recite, this feeling hasn't ceased. This anger toward The Most High hasn't left me since it began. In fact, it has heightened. Because day after day there's something else being thrown into the fire. It's as if God is requesting more wood. I hear Him: "more wood, please," making a mockery of my attempt at Godly living. At obedience. At discipline. At my promise. I want my promise!  

As the flames rise, I shrink. I shrink into disbelief, wavering faith and anger. I'm pissed at God! Because not only has He led me astray - making my discipline meaningless - and added more to the pain, He's been non-responsive. He broke my heart then ran away. He left me in the wilderness with a broken compass and no voice to follow. What everyone said He would never do, He's done. 

But what about all the other times He's been there?
I stopped and thought that to myself as I drove home from yet another challenging day. We - because we're all human - have a tendency to clench tightest the bad things. The things that cause our lives to quake. The disruptions and dissatisfactions. We remember the hatred, anger and sadness before the happiness and glory. We let the mighty madness hold our bandwidth more than the great things. 

It's possible that I'm so upset with how God has been handling me lately, because I've been ignoring the many things He's provided for me. I'm yelling at Him and cussing Him out at the way He chose to end my year, without acknowledging the many amazing things He conjured up for me throughout the year. This blog launch, these awards, MegaFest, this new job, higher salary, thriving friendships, the conception of projects and the many other feats He allowed me to tackle, I've ignored. Yet and still, I'm holding on to this. I'm erasing all the work He's done on (and for) me this year, because of these recent setbacks. Because of this December fire, I'm discrediting everything He's done between January and November. And much like yesterday's mistake shouldn't erase a year's worth of great work in our lives, it shouldn't for God, either. 

Only it is. Because, I'm human. A servant, but human nonetheless. I hope that in tapping into this not-yet-encouraging revelation, I'm able to grab myself before I drift too deep into the fire. Before I lose myself in the flames. Before I confuse God's test with His abandonment. Before I allow someone else's free will to ruin my life the way they once imagined. 

I'm not sure what will happen with the promise God showed me, nor with the obedience I now have on my record. Perhaps that's none of my business, yet. But this is my faith, and I'm going to fight for it. Even if I have to fight through the flames that God threw me in. That won't make (the human in) me any less upset, but it'll certainly strengthen my faith; I need that more than ever right now. And I suppose that's all He's ever really asked of me anyway. 

God couldn't have lied to me, and His promise just might be renewed. I simply hope these burns don't leave a scar. 

• 0 Comments

• Share: